Q & A: Can play-fighting lead to serious abuse?

06.28.2010

On March 13, 2010, PADV Teen Scene sponsored our 1st annual Spotlight on Teen Dating Violence summit. We gathered some questions that we were unable to answer during the summit, so we are going to answer them here on our blog. Check back as we answer more questions.

Q: Do you think that two people in a relationship together that play fight could lead to serious abuse?

A: According to Wikipedia, “In humans, play fighting (sometimes called roughhousing or horse-playing) is an activity in which two or more people act as though they are in combat, but without actually meaning to harm their partners, nor dealing sufficient bodily harm to make the game unenjoyable.” However, when we are talking about play fighting where potential teen dating violence is concerned, we might want to look a little more closely. Are both people really okay with it? When does it go too far? Is there a safe word like, “Stop!" or, "Truce!” that both people will respect and listen to?

I think that acting out physically can often be a tool used by those that don’t know the power of verbal communication. Learning ways to express ourselves verbally and through written form is a much more effective way to show emotion and communicate with our partners. Therefore, if you or your partner play fight a lot it might mean you don’t have healthy communication. Also, physical aggressiveness is an indicator of violent tendencies.

And do we really want to wrestle with our partners? Wikipedia goes on to say, “Similar behavior is visible in other animals including cats, dogs, gorillas and kangaroos.” Since being in a relationship isn’t about combat or acting like kangaroos, I think we can move away from play fighting with our partners.

-- Laura B.

Q & A: How can you tell if a guy is being abused?

05.05.2010

On March 13, 2010, PADV Teen Scene sponsored our 1^st annual Spotlight on Teen Dating Violence summit. We gathered some questions that we were unable to answer during the summit, so we are going to answer them here on our blog. Check back as we answer more questions.

Q: How can you tell if a guy is being abused?

A: Abuse for young men is the same as abuse for young women. The statistic states that 1 in 4 teens have experienced physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse from a dating partner. Usually, abusive young women are more verbally and emotionally abusive, but female abusers can also use physical and sexual violence. Abuse also occurs in same-sex relationships at the same rate, 1 in 4. The effects of the abuse on young men are the same as the affects of abuse on young women. Some red flags may include changes in appearance, mood swings, worrying about your dating partner’s thoughts and feelings, your dating partner always wanting to know where you are, becoming more isolated, not hanging out with friends, etc. If you think that you may be abused, seek help.

Q: How does he tell me that he’s being abused without feeling weak?

A: If males are being abused, they may not report for fear of the stigma of appearing “weak” to their friends, family or peers. Young men who are being abused can talk to a trusted adult, a male, that can make them feel safe disclosing without judgment. If young men do not feel comfortable talking to a man that they know, they can always call an anonymous hotline. Sometimes, teens run the hotline and they do not know the caller on the other end of the phone or the situation, so they are not judgmental. They are trained to listen, not to make you feel bad, and can give you resources. The National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline number is 1-866-331-9474. Males need to get help, too. Don’t be so afraid of what people will think. Seek help because no one deserves to be abused.

The importance of safety planning

03.26.2010

In the March 8 edition of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, the newspaper reported that a 19-year-old woman was killed by her 22-year-old live-in boyfriend before he turned the gun on himself. The article stated that the woman had moved out of the home the previous week. In talking with teens, I often hear, “if her man is abusing her, why not just leave?” One reason why women may stay in an abusive relationship is because it could be fatal for them to leave. Statistics show that women who leave an abusive relationship have a 75 percent greater risk of being killed by their partner. Because of this, it is so important to safety plan in order to make a safe transition from the relationship. A safety plan can include:

• changing your work schedule or the location of your work,
• taking different routes to and from home,
• changing phone numbers and email addresses,
• changing school schedules or transferring schools,
• getting a Temporary Protective Order (TPO) placed on your abuser (if you are a teen under the age of 18, you have to have a parent or guardian obtain the TPO for you),
• creating code words with your family and friends, so if you run into your abuser, you can safely let your family and friends know that you are in need of help without alarming your abuser, and
• talking to others, particularly parents or other trusted adults, about the abuse.

By creating a safety plan, you increase your odds for leaving an abusive relationship safely. Click on the links below for safety plans designed specifically for teens and college students.

Teen Safety Plan

http://www.thesafespace.org/pdf/handout-safety-plan-workbook-teens.pdf

College Student Safety Plan

http://www.thesafespace.org/pdf/handout-safety-plan-workbook-college.pdf

Be an advocate this February

02.03.2010

This February marks the first annual National Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month (TDVAM). Are you looking for ways to get involved and be an advocate this month? Here are a few ways for you to be an advocate and speak out against teen dating violence:

• Acknowledge how often violence against women occurs in literature that you read for class. One example is To Kill a Mockingbird, which features a case about brutal rape. While we hope that you read the book (especially if it’s for a class assignment), we hope that you also bring to light the violence depicted in the book and explain to your classmates how this behavior is not okay.
  
  
• Read blogs and websites that provide information about teen dating violence. A few websites that we recommend are www.loveisrespect.org, www.thatsnotcool.org and www.padv.org.
  
  
• Advocate for an assembly at your school to talk about teen dating violence and building healthy relationships. Get some friends together and ask your teachers and school administrators how to make it happen!
  
  
• Talk to a friend about teen dating violence. Since most teens may not go to a parent or teacher for help, let your friends know that they can talk to you about their relationship with their boyfriend or girlfriend.
  
  
• Invite a speaker to speak at your class, youth group, team outing or study group. To schedule a speaker from PADV, call 404.870.9600.
  
  
• Print out a resource list for teens and distribute it at school and in your community. Check out www.loveisnotabuse.com for some great resources.
  
  
• Make a note of songs and music videos that depict violence against women. After making the list, don’t listen to songs that have bad messages or lyrics.
  
  
• Write a letter thanking your Senate representative for their support of this year’s National Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month initiative. To learn who your Senate rep is, click here.
  
  
• Encourage your parents or guardians to learn more about teen dating violence. Check out PADV’s website under the Teen Dating Violence section and click on “For Parents.”
  
  
• Don’t watch TV shows that promote violence, especially violence against women. Some
  
  
• Register and attend PADV’s Spotlight on Teen Dating Violence: What’s Your Role? To learn more about this summit, click here.

What are other ways that you can advocate for teen dating violence? Share your ideas here and with your friends, family and community!

Sex and technology

11.11.2009

I recently heard the song “LOL :).” It has a catchy beat but details how a female uses text messages, pictures, Twitter, and IMs in order to lure her man over to meet her for sex. The song made me think about the new phenomenon of “sexting” and how it relates to dating violence.

Many teens view “sexting” as a new way of flirting with someone. Some teens, both boys and girls, believe that if you like someone, you take a sexy photo of yourself and send it to them via text, IM or post that photo on Twitter, Facebook or MySpace. To some teens it’s harmless; a way to be intimate with someone without all of the consequences of actually engaging in sex. But, the perils of “sexting” go far beyond simple flirting. What happens when “sexting” and controlling behaviors mix?

“Sexting” is just one of the many types of technology abuse that is rapidly infiltrating teen relationships. What happens when technology is introduced into a relationship where one dating partner already has control over the other? There have been instances where the controlling partner demands that the abused partner send sexy pictures or text messages. There have been instances where one partner willingly sends pictures to the dating partner only to have the partner threaten to send them out or post them on the internet if the other partner doesn’t do as he or she is told.. There have been instances of pictures or messages being accidently sent to the wrong person and their dating partner, believing that it is intentional, seeks to punish their dating partner for what they believe to be an indiscretion. Imagine how it might feel to have your dating partner sending you unwanted, sexually explicit pictures of themselves thinking that it is what is appropriate for a dating relationship. In all of these examples, a seemingly innocent act turns into an act of violence.

Finally, I want you to think back on the text messages you have sent to your significant other or crush. See how open you are to let just anyone view your messages. What would happen if it was in the wrong hands? In what ways could those messages be interpreted?

In response to “sexting” and controlling behaviors in dating relationships, check out www.thatsnotcool.org. This Web site is dedicated to ending technology abuse among dating partners. The site addresses ending all types of technology abuse including “sexting,” texting harassment, constant messaging, and rumor spreading. If you are looking for ways to stop your partner from abusing you via technology, check out the site’s callout card section.

Survivor Spotlight: Jenna's Story

06.08.2009

This blog was written by a teen dating violence survivor. *Jenna's story shows that teen dating violence does not always have to involve hitting, slapping, pushing, or other types of physical abuse. It also shows how violent emotional and verbal abuse can be and the effects that those actions have on a survivor.

My relationship with *Michael started the summer before my sophomore year in high school. We were very happy to be together as we had both recently broken up with other people. For the first three months, we didn’t have any problems and things were great. However, as time went on I began to notice certain patterns of behavior that made me a little uncomfortable. He was very possessive and didn’t like me hanging out with other guys. He got upset when I went to my sophomore WinterFest dance with a friend instead of him, even though he couldn’t be there. We worked it out eventually but I felt guilty even though I had no reason to. At first I thought it was sweet that he got jealous when I went out with other guys, but this only lead to more intense jealousy later.

My senior year, Michael was a first year student in college. He couldn’t come down for Prom, but I told him that I really wanted to go. I told him I was going with a friend of mine *Jay and he reluctantly agreed that this was fine. Prom passed with no incident, and Jay and I had a lot of fun. Nothing about our night was romantic. Then a few months later, Michael came home. One night, he met Jay and I for dinner, and I noticed that Michael seemed cold and distant. Back at my house, Michael told me he was upset because I sat next to Jay and not him at dinner, and because I had a few sips of Jay’s water. He asked me if I had been cheating on him. I said no, but Michael didn’t believe me. Before I knew it he was yelling, and soon he walked out of my room, without his shoes, telling me that he would “walk home” but he lived about 30 minutes away. He left his car in my driveway and started running down the street. Jay and I got in the car to go find him. When we found him, he apologized, but the incident really shook me up. Still, I never told me parents about it, because they were both asleep when it happened, and I didn’t want to scare them unnecessarily because I thought the issue had been resolved.

Then a few weeks later, we were in the car going to visit one of Michael’s friends. We ended up getting into an argument about Jay again, and this time he got so angry at me for “lying” to him about dating Jay, that he sped up and almost hit a tree. I jumped out of the car thinking that he would, but he stopped just short of it. After he collected himself he apologized and said that we should just go in and have fun with his friend. I really didn’t want to hang out with him anymore that night, but I was too embarrassed to call my family or a friend to have them come pick me up, because I thought I would have to explain what happened. So I agreed to go with him.

In August I had to leave for college, and for a while I thought we could have a long distance relationship and I thought things would work out because there hadn't been any more fights or violent incidents. In September though, out of the blue, he called me and accused me again of cheating on him. I didn’t know how to respond because by this time I was so tired of him making false accusations that I just sat there in silence. He interpreted that to be an admission of guilt, and told me he hated me and never wanted to talk to me again. I tried calling him back to explain that it wasn’t true. He never picked up his phone again, and to this day I haven’t heard from him.

Going through the break up was hard on me, particularly because I later found out that Michael was dating someone else while we were dating, even though he accused me of cheating. Yet I knew that since there was no trust or respect, there could be no relationship. Eventually I saw that he did me a favor, and I did one for myself by moving on.

*The names have been changed to protect the survivor.

Death Cab for Cutie “I Will Possess Your Heart”

2.24.2009

When I first heard this song all I really noticed was the soft voice and melodic sound. But between the lines I heard possessiveness and stalker behavior. Of course, as all of you know from reading our blog, these can be early warning signs of teen dating violence. See what you think:

How I wish you could see the potential
The potential of you and me
It’s like a book elegantly bound
But in language you can’t read just yet

(Chorus)
You got to spend some time, love
You got to spend some time with me
And I know that you’ll find love
I will possess your heart

There are days when outside your window
I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective
When we’ll be lovers, lovers at last

You reject my advances and desperate pleas
I won’t let you let me down so easily
So easily

The chorus really stands out to me. These words remind me of a line I was told once- “I’m gonna make you love me, yes I am, yes I am!” As someone who has always tried to “fix” things, I think it is easy to fall in the trap of thinking that we can make someone love us. But even if we talk someone into spending time with us it is never guaranteed that they will feel the same way. And sorry you guys, but we learn time and time again that no matter what we change or how wonderful we try to be, that ultimately it is up to your partner whether or not they to love you back.

The part about being outside the window and seeing your reflection takes the song to a creepy level in my opinion. It sounds like stalker behavior. And in the end, he acknowledges that she has rejected his advances and desperate please but continues to pursue her, it doesn’t sound like he understands or respects boundaries. By saying “I won’t let you let me down so easily” It once again shows that he really thinks he has control over her feelings towards him.

I encourage you to think about times in your life when you may have tried to force a relationship. I know in my experience, I was always met with disappointment. Now hopefully none of us have been as delusional as the guy in this song, but it is good to look at how possessiveness can really go too far.

What do you guys think about the song?

Technology and teen dating violence

2.2.2009

Technology is a wonderful thing. It allows us to see pictures of our friends that live hundreds of miles away, it lets us talk to our friends without seeing them in person and it gives us better and faster ways to have all the information we could ever want at our fingertips. So many of us have cell phones, instant messaging, and MySpace and Facebook accounts that technology seems to be integrated into every aspect of our lives.

It also makes it easier for us to talk with our boyfriend or girlfriend. We can send them cute text messages, we can proudly display their name on our Facebook page when we say that we’re “in a relationship” and we can send them e-Cards for Valentine’s Day and anniversaries.

However, technology can also be a tool for dating abuse. Texting too much, pressuring you to share your account information and logins to go through your e-mails or Facebook accounts and calling when you’re out with your friends could be something more serious than you think. Cell phone calls, texting, instant messaging and e-mailing at an alarmingly high rate can be a sign that your partner is trying to gain control.

Did you know that nearly one in four teens in relationships communicate with their partner via cell phone or text messaging hourly between midnight and 5:00 a.m.? Imagine the toll that those long hours awake can have on your school work, your social life and your overall health! By staying up for those extra hours you will not only lose sleep, your grades could start slipping, you could get sick more often, you could become more anxious or worried and you could constantly feel tired or groggy.

It’s not only the constant communication that could be problematic; many boyfriends and girlfriends use technology to spread rumors or make their partner feel embarrassed or put down. One in four teens in a relationship say that they have been called names, harassed or put down by their partner through cell phone calls or text messages. Hearing harsh words and insults from a partner can be harmful no matter the circumstances; whether it be in person or via text message.

Are you worried that this is happening to you or a friend? If you’d like more information about teen dating abuse and how to get help, please go to our website at www.padv.org or call a teen dating violence helpline.

How dating violence affected me

1.14.2009

I’d like to pose a question to everyone reading this blog: how has teen dating violence (TDV) affected you?

My name is Jil and I work for PADV as the teen prevention advocate. I talk with teens in their schools or community groups about building healthy relationships. I also warn teens about dating abuse and what to do in the event that teen dating violence is affecting them or their friends. Before I started working in this field, I didn’t know a lot about teen dating violence. I thought that it was something that only a few teens had to deal with. Looking back, teen dating violence was present in my life when I was younger. But I thought that the warning signs I saw were just a normal part of relationships during high school. At the time, I wasn’t looking for warning signs because I wasn’t really paying attention to the people around me and their relationships; especially if I didn’t know them really well.

Now than I know about teen dating violence and recognize how it was present in my life when I was a teen, I wish that I would have done something for those couples that were having shouting arguments in the hallway at school or the girl from gym class who showed some bruises that she got from her boyfriend. I could have even helped a friend of mine whose boyfriend slapped her and pushed her into lockers.

Dating violence doesn’t discriminate based on age, race, gender or sexual orientation. I wish that I had realized that more when I was a teen. Even though I was not in violent relationships as a teen, I should have been an advocate for those who were and told them that everyone deserves better than a relationship that is built on violence and abuse.

So, I’m wondering has teen dating violence has affected you? Has someone you know been abused by their dating partner? What can you do, or what have you done, to help?

If you’re ever looking for information about teen dating violence or other forms of abuse, check out our website.

Engaged & Underage from MTV

12.30.2008

Engaged & Underage is a show on MTV that follows young couples (all 21 and under) preparing for their big walk down the aisle. Some couples have wonderful and strong relationships and see marriage as the next practical step of their relationship. But sometimes, the couples don't have a strong relationship that's rooted in trust, mutual support and honesty.

One example of a couple that does not have a healthy relationship is Jewel and Cory, a couple from Texas. You can watch scenes from their episode below.

Engaged & Underage - MTV Shows

During the introductory part of their episode, Jewel talks about how her fiancé Cory used to be a professional BMX biker, but that she made him quit once they were engaged. Do you think Cory should have to choose between doing what he loves, BMX, and the person that he thinks is "The One?"

In the first part of the episode, we watch Jewel and Cory at a family barbeque. Many of the people in their families say that Cory is “whipped”; he’ll do whatever Jewel says with no questions asked. Cory felt that Jewel was instigating these perceptions by saying that Cory did whatever she asked. How do you think that Jewel could have been more supportive of Cory? What should she have done differently?

All throughout the episode, Jewel is constantly nagging Cory about completing one of two things; their house (which they plan to move into after the wedding) and a bridge that she wants installed for her wedding day. These tasks are often unrealistic and obviously tedious because Cory has a hard time completing them. He even takes time away from his family dinner to try to explain to Jewel that he can’t possibly get everything done and prepare for their wedding. Other than feeling frustrated, how do you think Cory feels?

Even though we’ve already said that we think their relationship is rocky, what do you think?

Heidi and Spencer from The Hills

11.26.2008


Heidi and Spencer's relationship really bothers me because it seems as though no one realizes how abusive Spencer is. Not that he's physically abusive towards Heidi, but dating violence is about more than that. In watching Heidi and Spencer's relationhip on “The Hills,” there are several warning signs that show that Spencer is abusive:


He isolates her from her friends and family- a hint to an abusive guy is he tries to isolate you from your closest friends and family so that you have no one else to turn to once the abuse starts. Spencer has completely alienated her from her family, making Heidi distrust her family's concern about her relationship, calling her family members names (“stalker-mom”; Heidi's sister as the “mooch of the century”), and manipulating situations to make Heidi hurt her family members (Heidi's mom crying and Heidi kicking her sister out of the apartment she shares with Spencer).


He is jealous of Heidi's relationships with others- another warning sign of an abusive partner is that they are jealous of other friendships. Spencer wants Heidi to only spend time with those people that he feels are “loyal”, and if Heidi doesn't agree, he threatens to break up with her, cheat, or move out of their apartment. The relationship that Heidi wants to work on the most is with Lauren, her former roommate who doesn't like Spencer. Spencer tries to say that Lauren wants Heidi all to herself, but it seems that he is the one that wants that, not Lauren.


Spencer is controlling- Spencer has never really shown Heidi much respect; Her opinions are not supported, her job is not seen as important, and she is not allowed to choose who her friends are. Heidi seems to always be walking on egg shells around Spencer because she never knows what type of mood Spencer is going to be in. He is always giving annoyed looks, and being passive-aggressive in his words and actions. What Spencer wants, Spencer gets -and it doesn't matter what he has to do or who he has to hurt to get it, including Heidi.


Many people have said that Heidi is changing and having to compromise a lot for her relationship. Spencer has already shown signs of dating violence; he is controlling, manipulative, and extremely selfish. However, since the last aired episode of “The Hills,” Spencer and Heidi are now married. It is my hope that their relationship improves and that Spencer can change his abusive ways because Heidi deserves much more, everyone in abusive relationships does.