Anger vs. Power & Control

01.14.2010

Before I began working for PADV, I thought that domestic and dating violence was about one partner getting angry with the other and becoming physically violent with them. I often referenced my own upbringing with violence in the home, thinking that anger was the root cause of fighting between mom and dad. Dinner wasn’t ready on time, Dad had a bad day, my sibling and I were unruly; things that would make any father angry after a long, hard day at work. But as I began this line of work, I realized the thin line between being angry and expressing that anger, and controlling someone and expressing anger when that someone tries to break free from control.

A really good example of this occurred on an episode of my favorite new show, GLEE. On GLEE, the main character is a teacher named Will, whose wife, Terri, had been faking a pregnancy. Terri’s reason for faking the pregnancy was to “hold on” to Will because she felt that he was slipping away from her and would leave her and the marriage. When Will found out about the fake pregnancy, he was angry. He yelled, grabbed her wrist, snatched the fake baby bump off of her (it was held on by Velcro) and walked out. It was an intense scene, making people wonder if it could be seen as a form of domestic violence.

To see the episode where this scene occurs, click here.

What was your take about this scene? Do you think this is domestic violence?

P!nk "Please Don't Leave Me"

06.25.09

-by Laura

As catchy as it may be, I can’t help but notice the alarming lyrics in Pink’s newest chart topping song “Please don’t leave me.” She sings about yelling at her partner, insulting him, threatening to kick him out, cutting him to pieces, and refers to him as her “perfect little punching bag”. These threats come along with praises and apologies like “you are so beautiful” and “I don’t mean it, please don’t leave me..” Throughout the song she also places the blame back on him; “What is it with you that makes me act like this” or justifying her actions with the fact that her heart is broken.

When there is dating violence in a relationship, there is often a cycle of abuse. I think this song is a perfect example of this cycle. One partner threatens (“I am capable of really anything”), then emotionally or physically hurts their partner (“How many times I’ve kicked you outta here.”), apologies and asked him or her to stay (“I need you, I’m sorry”). Then things are ok for awhile, but inevitably the cycle starts over again.

Unfortunately, the video is even worse. Throughout it, she progressively injures her boyfriend more and more severely. Its set up to seem funny, but after seeing this video I am not too proud of Pink.

I encourage you guys to really listen to what you are jamming out to on your ipods, because like I said, when that catchy beat comes on I got sucked in too! Check out the full lyrics below.


I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time I've kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?
Da da da, da da

I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
But my heart is broken
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty
Da da da, da da

Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it
I mean it, I promise
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me
Oh please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I cannot be without, you're my perfect little punching bag
And I need you, I'm sorry
Da da da, da da

Baby please don't leave me
(Da da da, da da)
No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me no no no

You say I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back
It's gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

Please don't leave me, oh no no no.
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me
Baby, please, please don't leave me
© EMI BLACKWOOD MUSIC INC.; PINK INSIDE PUBLISHING

Survivor Spotlight: Jenna's Story

06.08.2009

This blog was written by a teen dating violence survivor. *Jenna's story shows that teen dating violence does not always have to involve hitting, slapping, pushing, or other types of physical abuse. It also shows how violent emotional and verbal abuse can be and the effects that those actions have on a survivor.

My relationship with *Michael started the summer before my sophomore year in high school. We were very happy to be together as we had both recently broken up with other people. For the first three months, we didn’t have any problems and things were great. However, as time went on I began to notice certain patterns of behavior that made me a little uncomfortable. He was very possessive and didn’t like me hanging out with other guys. He got upset when I went to my sophomore WinterFest dance with a friend instead of him, even though he couldn’t be there. We worked it out eventually but I felt guilty even though I had no reason to. At first I thought it was sweet that he got jealous when I went out with other guys, but this only lead to more intense jealousy later.

My senior year, Michael was a first year student in college. He couldn’t come down for Prom, but I told him that I really wanted to go. I told him I was going with a friend of mine *Jay and he reluctantly agreed that this was fine. Prom passed with no incident, and Jay and I had a lot of fun. Nothing about our night was romantic. Then a few months later, Michael came home. One night, he met Jay and I for dinner, and I noticed that Michael seemed cold and distant. Back at my house, Michael told me he was upset because I sat next to Jay and not him at dinner, and because I had a few sips of Jay’s water. He asked me if I had been cheating on him. I said no, but Michael didn’t believe me. Before I knew it he was yelling, and soon he walked out of my room, without his shoes, telling me that he would “walk home” but he lived about 30 minutes away. He left his car in my driveway and started running down the street. Jay and I got in the car to go find him. When we found him, he apologized, but the incident really shook me up. Still, I never told me parents about it, because they were both asleep when it happened, and I didn’t want to scare them unnecessarily because I thought the issue had been resolved.

Then a few weeks later, we were in the car going to visit one of Michael’s friends. We ended up getting into an argument about Jay again, and this time he got so angry at me for “lying” to him about dating Jay, that he sped up and almost hit a tree. I jumped out of the car thinking that he would, but he stopped just short of it. After he collected himself he apologized and said that we should just go in and have fun with his friend. I really didn’t want to hang out with him anymore that night, but I was too embarrassed to call my family or a friend to have them come pick me up, because I thought I would have to explain what happened. So I agreed to go with him.

In August I had to leave for college, and for a while I thought we could have a long distance relationship and I thought things would work out because there hadn't been any more fights or violent incidents. In September though, out of the blue, he called me and accused me again of cheating on him. I didn’t know how to respond because by this time I was so tired of him making false accusations that I just sat there in silence. He interpreted that to be an admission of guilt, and told me he hated me and never wanted to talk to me again. I tried calling him back to explain that it wasn’t true. He never picked up his phone again, and to this day I haven’t heard from him.

Going through the break up was hard on me, particularly because I later found out that Michael was dating someone else while we were dating, even though he accused me of cheating. Yet I knew that since there was no trust or respect, there could be no relationship. Eventually I saw that he did me a favor, and I did one for myself by moving on.

*The names have been changed to protect the survivor.

Survivor Spotlight: Autumn's Story

03.25.09

My name is Autumn* and I’m a survivor of teen dating violence. The summer after I turned seventeen, I was working for a restaurant where I relied on my friends for comfort in the midst of a though break-up form my first boyfriend. On person I really got to know was Alan*, who was also also going through a rough break-up. I soon found myself becoming interested in Alan and by the end of the summer we were officially a couple. The first few months were flawless. He often bought be presents and always complimented on how beautiful I was and how lucky he was to have me in his life.

For my 18th birthday my parents invited all of my closes friends for a surprise birthday party. One of my best friends, James, who I could always rely on, came. When everyone was leaving, I gave James a friendly hug goodbye. This upset Alan. Alan and I never displayed our affection in public because it makes me uncomfortable. But he was angry that I hugged James in public and not him, he thought I was being affectionate to James in public and over him. Later he apologized and said he was being brash, but said that we shouldn’t feel uncomfortable about being affectionate since everyone knew that we loved each other. I didn't know then, but this was the beginning of a long pattern of abuse.

As time rolled on, things did not improve in our relationship. There were happy moments, but the bad moments soon become more frequent and more disturbing. That spring, I was voted onto my school’s Prom Court. During the prom, the Court has to take pictures together, which meant that we would have to leave out dates behind for a short while. After the photo he got mad at me and said that he was upset that I left him all alone. I was not sure why he said he was all alone, because he knew all my friends and a lot of the people in my school. I just dismissed it, because I knew the night was overwhelming and he was probably tired from a day of working and a night of dancing. But this did not stop him bring it up in our nightly calls. He would say he had a horrible time at prom and say that I was going to abandon him.

Soon graduation came. I was excited and anxious about my new adventure at my new college in Atlanta. Alan’s feelings were contrary because my school was 500 miles away. He said that if I left him he was going to kill himself. I said didn’t want that to happen but I had already committed to the school and I asked if there was something else I could to. Alan decided that in order for me to “make it up to him”, I had to have sex. I told him that I did not want to have sex just yet because I was raped a few years before. Alan told me that it was okay, because we were going to get married, something we had been discussing. I kept on refusing. He started to use the Bible as a way to insist I have sex with him, by saying that we were “married” in his eyes. Eventually I “agreed” to have sex when he insinuated that if I did not have sex with him because he said that I was withholding something from him and he viewed me as his wife.

Alan and I continued to have sex despite my unhappiness about it, but later the abuse took a change. When we first started having sex, I insisted that he use a condom since I believed that we were too young to have children. As the sex continued, Alan insisted that we shouldn’t have to use a condom; not because it felt better but because if Got didn’t want people to have children, they didn’t have them. However, I secretly had started to go on birth control. When he found out, he angrily grabbed the pills and threw them across the room while yelling at me and then proceeded to pick them up and flush them down the toilet. It scared me so badly that I stopped taking the birth control.

When I went to college, I seriously thought about breaking up with him, but he drove 500 miles to give me a diamond promise ring and told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I accepted the ring thinking that this meant that things were going to get better and that he was trying to show me how much I meant to him.

I was wrong. He insisted that I call him everyday at 9:00. He would make me sing him to sleep every night, and if I complained about being tired, he said that it was because I was too busy becoming a lesbian with all my new female friends. I would hide under my bed when I talked to him, because I was ashamed of how I was acting. My friends would tell me constantly that he was not a good boyfriend and that I was becoming sleep deprived talking to him all night.

My sophomore year I decided to get more involved on campus. I joined a social networking group and got instant messenger. Alan insisted that I give him my screen name and my social network site to keep track of me and make sure I was not lying about my information. I never gave him my password, but he figured it out. I also found out that he got my credit card information and spent $800 to register to a website that allowed people to find sexual partners. When I confronted him about it, he said that he needed to be sexually satisfied since I was not doing it anymore. My credit has been ruined because of him.

That spring, I fully realized how unhappy I was with Alan in my life hurting me emotionally, spiritually, fiscally and sexually. One night after a rough fight on the phone, I told Alan that I thought that we needed to break up because we were not meant for each other. I told him that I was strong and independent and that I did not need him anymore and then hung up the phone. I felt relieved. I did not respond to any of his calls and when he tried to visit me at school, my friends helped me stay away from him. I changed all my contact information and left him out of my life. After the break up, I remember thinking, "now, I am free."

Today, I am a strong woman, a college graduate, and an advocate for preventing teen dating violence. Though I had a strong community around me, my relationship could have ended sooner if someone had told me about teen dating violence or if I had known about the resources available to me. I now work with different organizations to end teen dating violence and I work with girls from my hometown to tell them my story. I hope that no other girl goes through what I went through. Though I was never hit by my abuser, I was still abused. I write this story today to talk about the different manifestations of teen dating violence.

For a long time I thought it was too late for me. It’s never too late. Get help, find an advocate, and find peace.

If you or your friend need help, call PADV at 404-873-1766.