Bad track record?

“Say you really like someone but you know he has a bad record with hitting girls and you’re blinded by love. Would you go for it?”

This question came out of the Spotlight on Teen Dating Violence: Upload Awareness summit audience but it seems like there are lots of people who have this question… or opinions at least. A few weeks ago on Q100 radio station, a woman (we will call her Judy) called in with this same concern. She had been with her fiancé for over 3 years and thus far their relationship had been peaceful. There were no red flags and as a child who witnessed her mom being abused, Judy felt like she knew what to look out for. She explained that during a recent game of truth or dare with friends the question “have the police ever been called to your house” came up. Her fiancé revealed that he had hit a previous girlfriend many years before and he was arrested. He basically laughed it off as a drunken argument that happened ages ago. But for Judy this was a deal breaker. She said she couldn’t look at him the same way and was considering calling off the engagement.

But in typical Q100 fashion several wannabe experts (listeners who really don’t know anything, but have lots of opinions) called in and said she couldn’t judge him for something that happened so long ago and that she should move forward with marrying him. All of callers said the same thing.

Every person has a right to listen to their intuition and have our own deal breakers and for Judy, this was it. No one, especially not your partner should minimize your feelings and concern about a history of abuse. Judy said that she felt like anyone who could do that doesn’t have the same values as her and she wouldn’t tolerate abuse of any kind. I agree with her and I hope that she listened to herself not the listeners of Q100.

But teens, what do you think? Can people change? Should we base our view of them on how they were in previous relationships?

Survivor Spotlight: Johanna's story

12.01.2009

In the wake of Rihanna speaking out publicly about the abuse she experienced, many other teen dating violence survivors are in the spotlight. On November 13, 2009, ABC's 20/20 featured teen dating violence survivor, Johanna Orozco. She shared a story of horrific violence and loss matched only by her strength and resilience. So much can be learned from Johanna and I encourage all of you to check out this clip.

Johanna lost both of her parents in one week due to unrelated tragedies which left her and her brother under the care of their grandparents. When Johanna was of dating age, she was asked out on a date by a childhood friend, Juan. After her grandparents blessing, the two began to date. Things were wonderful in the beginning; they were admired by their classmates and everyone wanted what Johanna and Juan had. But most people didn't know about the violence that went on behind closed doors.

Juan was extremely jealous and possessive and often questioned Johanna's relationships with friends and other guys at school. For Juan, it had to be his way and if not, he would physically abuse her. She was punched, bruised and pushed around and repeatedly threatened. When Johanna couldn't take it anymore she would break up with Juan, but he would never accept her choice. She said that she would stay in the relationship not because she wanted to, but because she scared of what might happen if she didn't.

One night, Juan came to her home and raped her at knife point. He threatened that if she told anyone he would kill her, whoever she told, and then burn her house down. Johanna was scared but revealed her secret to her teacher who called the police and placed Juan in a detention center. A few days later, Juan was released from the overcrowded detention center and placed on house arrest.

Johanna tried to move on and not live her life in fear of him. On March 5, 2007, a masked gun man approached her car window and shot her in the face with a sawed off shotgun and ran off. Miraculously, Johanna was rushed to a hospital by her neighbor and received emergency surgery. Her entire jaw, chin, and mouth were in shambles. When asked who had done this, it was no surprise that Juan was to blame.

Juan was sentenced to 27 years in prison. Even at his trial he said that he had "ruined his whole life,” proving that in the end, it was still about him and not about what he had done to Johanna.

Three years and nine surgeries later, Johanna is able to live a relatively normal life. Despite all odds, Johanna says that she feels like everything happened for a reason and chose to forgive Juan in order to move on. She still has the scars but is grateful to be alive and tell her story in hopes that it might save other teen lives. She is wise beyond her years and an unbelievable role model.

What do you think of Johanna's story? What lessons of strength can be learned by her experience? Please check out this clip to hear more of her story in her own words.

Survivor Spotlight: Autumn's Story

03.25.09

My name is Autumn* and I’m a survivor of teen dating violence. The summer after I turned seventeen, I was working for a restaurant where I relied on my friends for comfort in the midst of a though break-up form my first boyfriend. On person I really got to know was Alan*, who was also also going through a rough break-up. I soon found myself becoming interested in Alan and by the end of the summer we were officially a couple. The first few months were flawless. He often bought be presents and always complimented on how beautiful I was and how lucky he was to have me in his life.

For my 18th birthday my parents invited all of my closes friends for a surprise birthday party. One of my best friends, James, who I could always rely on, came. When everyone was leaving, I gave James a friendly hug goodbye. This upset Alan. Alan and I never displayed our affection in public because it makes me uncomfortable. But he was angry that I hugged James in public and not him, he thought I was being affectionate to James in public and over him. Later he apologized and said he was being brash, but said that we shouldn’t feel uncomfortable about being affectionate since everyone knew that we loved each other. I didn't know then, but this was the beginning of a long pattern of abuse.

As time rolled on, things did not improve in our relationship. There were happy moments, but the bad moments soon become more frequent and more disturbing. That spring, I was voted onto my school’s Prom Court. During the prom, the Court has to take pictures together, which meant that we would have to leave out dates behind for a short while. After the photo he got mad at me and said that he was upset that I left him all alone. I was not sure why he said he was all alone, because he knew all my friends and a lot of the people in my school. I just dismissed it, because I knew the night was overwhelming and he was probably tired from a day of working and a night of dancing. But this did not stop him bring it up in our nightly calls. He would say he had a horrible time at prom and say that I was going to abandon him.

Soon graduation came. I was excited and anxious about my new adventure at my new college in Atlanta. Alan’s feelings were contrary because my school was 500 miles away. He said that if I left him he was going to kill himself. I said didn’t want that to happen but I had already committed to the school and I asked if there was something else I could to. Alan decided that in order for me to “make it up to him”, I had to have sex. I told him that I did not want to have sex just yet because I was raped a few years before. Alan told me that it was okay, because we were going to get married, something we had been discussing. I kept on refusing. He started to use the Bible as a way to insist I have sex with him, by saying that we were “married” in his eyes. Eventually I “agreed” to have sex when he insinuated that if I did not have sex with him because he said that I was withholding something from him and he viewed me as his wife.

Alan and I continued to have sex despite my unhappiness about it, but later the abuse took a change. When we first started having sex, I insisted that he use a condom since I believed that we were too young to have children. As the sex continued, Alan insisted that we shouldn’t have to use a condom; not because it felt better but because if Got didn’t want people to have children, they didn’t have them. However, I secretly had started to go on birth control. When he found out, he angrily grabbed the pills and threw them across the room while yelling at me and then proceeded to pick them up and flush them down the toilet. It scared me so badly that I stopped taking the birth control.

When I went to college, I seriously thought about breaking up with him, but he drove 500 miles to give me a diamond promise ring and told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I accepted the ring thinking that this meant that things were going to get better and that he was trying to show me how much I meant to him.

I was wrong. He insisted that I call him everyday at 9:00. He would make me sing him to sleep every night, and if I complained about being tired, he said that it was because I was too busy becoming a lesbian with all my new female friends. I would hide under my bed when I talked to him, because I was ashamed of how I was acting. My friends would tell me constantly that he was not a good boyfriend and that I was becoming sleep deprived talking to him all night.

My sophomore year I decided to get more involved on campus. I joined a social networking group and got instant messenger. Alan insisted that I give him my screen name and my social network site to keep track of me and make sure I was not lying about my information. I never gave him my password, but he figured it out. I also found out that he got my credit card information and spent $800 to register to a website that allowed people to find sexual partners. When I confronted him about it, he said that he needed to be sexually satisfied since I was not doing it anymore. My credit has been ruined because of him.

That spring, I fully realized how unhappy I was with Alan in my life hurting me emotionally, spiritually, fiscally and sexually. One night after a rough fight on the phone, I told Alan that I thought that we needed to break up because we were not meant for each other. I told him that I was strong and independent and that I did not need him anymore and then hung up the phone. I felt relieved. I did not respond to any of his calls and when he tried to visit me at school, my friends helped me stay away from him. I changed all my contact information and left him out of my life. After the break up, I remember thinking, "now, I am free."

Today, I am a strong woman, a college graduate, and an advocate for preventing teen dating violence. Though I had a strong community around me, my relationship could have ended sooner if someone had told me about teen dating violence or if I had known about the resources available to me. I now work with different organizations to end teen dating violence and I work with girls from my hometown to tell them my story. I hope that no other girl goes through what I went through. Though I was never hit by my abuser, I was still abused. I write this story today to talk about the different manifestations of teen dating violence.

For a long time I thought it was too late for me. It’s never too late. Get help, find an advocate, and find peace.

If you or your friend need help, call PADV at 404-873-1766.