Stalking and dating violence

02.12.2010

When I first heard the breaking story about a sword attack on Georgia Tech’s campus I thought, a sword fight? In 2010? But after reading the full story, I realized the seriousness of the incident and I saw many indicators that could be linked to stalking and dating violence.

Five months ago, Kshitij Shrotri, the alleged attacker, became enraged after seeing Samer Tawfik, the assault victim, dancing with a woman he liked at a campus dance. Despite the fact that the woman says that she doesn’t really know Shrotri on a personal level, people described him as having an obsession with her. The two had been corresponding over email and Shrotri moved out of state. But unfortunately, last week he returned and attacked Tawfik in his jealous rage.

We often talk about excessive jealousy as a big warning sign when it comes to dating violence. Even though the attacker wasn’t actually dating the woman, his jealousy and desire to control who she spent her time with was dangerous.

Check out the full story here.

Do you think there were warning signs that could have possibly prevented this violent attack?

Survivor Spotlight: Johanna's story

12.01.2009

In the wake of Rihanna speaking out publicly about the abuse she experienced, many other teen dating violence survivors are in the spotlight. On November 13, 2009, ABC's 20/20 featured teen dating violence survivor, Johanna Orozco. She shared a story of horrific violence and loss matched only by her strength and resilience. So much can be learned from Johanna and I encourage all of you to check out this clip.

Johanna lost both of her parents in one week due to unrelated tragedies which left her and her brother under the care of their grandparents. When Johanna was of dating age, she was asked out on a date by a childhood friend, Juan. After her grandparents blessing, the two began to date. Things were wonderful in the beginning; they were admired by their classmates and everyone wanted what Johanna and Juan had. But most people didn't know about the violence that went on behind closed doors.

Juan was extremely jealous and possessive and often questioned Johanna's relationships with friends and other guys at school. For Juan, it had to be his way and if not, he would physically abuse her. She was punched, bruised and pushed around and repeatedly threatened. When Johanna couldn't take it anymore she would break up with Juan, but he would never accept her choice. She said that she would stay in the relationship not because she wanted to, but because she scared of what might happen if she didn't.

One night, Juan came to her home and raped her at knife point. He threatened that if she told anyone he would kill her, whoever she told, and then burn her house down. Johanna was scared but revealed her secret to her teacher who called the police and placed Juan in a detention center. A few days later, Juan was released from the overcrowded detention center and placed on house arrest.

Johanna tried to move on and not live her life in fear of him. On March 5, 2007, a masked gun man approached her car window and shot her in the face with a sawed off shotgun and ran off. Miraculously, Johanna was rushed to a hospital by her neighbor and received emergency surgery. Her entire jaw, chin, and mouth were in shambles. When asked who had done this, it was no surprise that Juan was to blame.

Juan was sentenced to 27 years in prison. Even at his trial he said that he had "ruined his whole life,” proving that in the end, it was still about him and not about what he had done to Johanna.

Three years and nine surgeries later, Johanna is able to live a relatively normal life. Despite all odds, Johanna says that she feels like everything happened for a reason and chose to forgive Juan in order to move on. She still has the scars but is grateful to be alive and tell her story in hopes that it might save other teen lives. She is wise beyond her years and an unbelievable role model.

What do you think of Johanna's story? What lessons of strength can be learned by her experience? Please check out this clip to hear more of her story in her own words.

Survivor Spotlight: Jenna's Story

06.08.2009

This blog was written by a teen dating violence survivor. *Jenna's story shows that teen dating violence does not always have to involve hitting, slapping, pushing, or other types of physical abuse. It also shows how violent emotional and verbal abuse can be and the effects that those actions have on a survivor.

My relationship with *Michael started the summer before my sophomore year in high school. We were very happy to be together as we had both recently broken up with other people. For the first three months, we didn’t have any problems and things were great. However, as time went on I began to notice certain patterns of behavior that made me a little uncomfortable. He was very possessive and didn’t like me hanging out with other guys. He got upset when I went to my sophomore WinterFest dance with a friend instead of him, even though he couldn’t be there. We worked it out eventually but I felt guilty even though I had no reason to. At first I thought it was sweet that he got jealous when I went out with other guys, but this only lead to more intense jealousy later.

My senior year, Michael was a first year student in college. He couldn’t come down for Prom, but I told him that I really wanted to go. I told him I was going with a friend of mine *Jay and he reluctantly agreed that this was fine. Prom passed with no incident, and Jay and I had a lot of fun. Nothing about our night was romantic. Then a few months later, Michael came home. One night, he met Jay and I for dinner, and I noticed that Michael seemed cold and distant. Back at my house, Michael told me he was upset because I sat next to Jay and not him at dinner, and because I had a few sips of Jay’s water. He asked me if I had been cheating on him. I said no, but Michael didn’t believe me. Before I knew it he was yelling, and soon he walked out of my room, without his shoes, telling me that he would “walk home” but he lived about 30 minutes away. He left his car in my driveway and started running down the street. Jay and I got in the car to go find him. When we found him, he apologized, but the incident really shook me up. Still, I never told me parents about it, because they were both asleep when it happened, and I didn’t want to scare them unnecessarily because I thought the issue had been resolved.

Then a few weeks later, we were in the car going to visit one of Michael’s friends. We ended up getting into an argument about Jay again, and this time he got so angry at me for “lying” to him about dating Jay, that he sped up and almost hit a tree. I jumped out of the car thinking that he would, but he stopped just short of it. After he collected himself he apologized and said that we should just go in and have fun with his friend. I really didn’t want to hang out with him anymore that night, but I was too embarrassed to call my family or a friend to have them come pick me up, because I thought I would have to explain what happened. So I agreed to go with him.

In August I had to leave for college, and for a while I thought we could have a long distance relationship and I thought things would work out because there hadn't been any more fights or violent incidents. In September though, out of the blue, he called me and accused me again of cheating on him. I didn’t know how to respond because by this time I was so tired of him making false accusations that I just sat there in silence. He interpreted that to be an admission of guilt, and told me he hated me and never wanted to talk to me again. I tried calling him back to explain that it wasn’t true. He never picked up his phone again, and to this day I haven’t heard from him.

Going through the break up was hard on me, particularly because I later found out that Michael was dating someone else while we were dating, even though he accused me of cheating. Yet I knew that since there was no trust or respect, there could be no relationship. Eventually I saw that he did me a favor, and I did one for myself by moving on.

*The names have been changed to protect the survivor.

To snoop or not to snoop?

05.07.09

-by Kayla

Miley Cyrus admitted that she goes through her boyfriend’s text messages while she was on The Tyra Show. Miley said that it’s her way of seeing if her boyfriends are nice to their mothers so that she can know if they will be nice to her. Whether Miley or her fans realize it, checking a partners text messages is a sign that there is a lack of trust in the relationship and that it’s never okay to snoop. Through simple interaction and conversations, the way that they treat their family and friends will be revealed so there is no need to snoop through text messages, MySpace comments, Facebook posts or e-mails.

I personally don’t know anyone who likes it if someone else goes through their purse, phone, Facebook, MySpace, etc. so you should treat people the way you want to be treated, especially in a dating relationship. And if there is a problem or concern, talk to your partner. Express your concerns, talk about possible solutions and come to a mutual agreement. Communication and respect are key components to any healthy relationship. Remember, it’s disrespectful to go through your partners’ property without their permission!

So just remember when a problem, concern or question arises, simply talk to your partner about it instead of snooping through their stuff!

-Kayla is an intern with PADV and attends Georgia State University.