“Why do girls hit boys?”

Some call it play-fighting, but playing this game can be tricky. First, we must recognize that there are a few unspoken rules to this game, like a)when we hit someone who is bigger/stronger than us, we expect them not to hit back because we are smaller/weaker; b)if they do hit back, then we expect them to hit back with equal force; and c)the game ends when we say “stop”. With so many rules and expectations to the play-fighting game, aren’t we opening the door to abuse and/or putting ourselves at the mercy of the other player? How thin is the line between “a game within a healthy relationship” and “going too far”?

It’s all fun and games in the beginning, but play-fighting can gradually lead to violence. It starts with playful hitting, then it moves on to hitting because he made a lame joke, and eventually you start hitting out of anger. Finding ways to express our feelings (including tension, frustration and anger) is part of being in a healthy relationship. In a loving relationship there is good communication and you should feel confident that your partner won’t hurt you.

We don’t always consider the possible repercussions upon ourselves when we play-fight. More importantly, we often assume that boys enjoy this behavior, when in reality they don’t and simply don’t know how to make us stop. We are trained to think that boys should be tough, and thus may think they can’t be physically hurt. We laugh it off, but over time the play-hitting game allows boys to lose respect for our boundaries and lower their opinions of us, which hurts the relationship and can result in unjustified labels (such as “psycho” or “aggressive”). Play-fighting is not the way to achieve gender equality, and is not the way to strengthen a relationship.

“Reviving Ophelia” - Did Hollywood get it right?

I was pleasantly surprised watching the world premiere of the movie on Lifetime. I think that Hollywood glamorizes dating and domestic violence, or brushes it off as the status quo within relationships, but this movie was well done. “Reviving Ophelia” addressed all of the issues that surround teen dating violence including the warning signs of a potentially abusive partner; the different forms of abuse; the barriers that keep girls from leaving; the role a friend can play; and the counseling and legal component of dealing with teen dating violence. This movie covered all of the important points. Let’s break the movie down into The Good, The Bad, and The Ok

The Good
I think the warning signs were easy to spot. Did you catch them all? I liked how the storyline showed that an abusive relationship doesn’t always start out with physical violence. In “Reviving Ophelia,” the character, Mark was jealous, manipulative and controlling by telling Elizabeth what to wear. The movie also showed the difficulties that Elizabeth experienced with trying to break-up with Mark. The one barrier that stood out to me was that Mark showered her with apologies and gifts, and she believed him. What other types of abuse and barriers did you notice?

The Bad
While I thought that the movie was great overall, I did have problems with some of the plot points. Once Elizabeth’s parents were aware of the abuse and sent her to counseling, they rarely communicated with their daughter or the counselor. And realistically, we all know that it’s almost impossible for parents to make their children do something that they don’t want to do. I think that there should have been more information about the parents’ role in helping their teen out of an abusive relationship. Also, I thought the ending was horrible. I know…I know… it is a movie, and it has to have a happy ending. But the idea that Mark could be talked out of kidnapping, shooting and killing Elizabeth and him self by telling him that if he loved her he wouldn’t do it was ridiculous. I wish that escaping a dangerous, abusive relationship was that easy for all teens, but unfortunately we know that things like that only happen in the movies.

The OK
I liked that Kelly, Elizabeth’s cousin, knew that the relationship between Elizabeth and Mark wasn’t right and tried to help (as the intervening bystander). I thought that the idea of no one believing Kelly because she was the “troubled teen” in the family was a little over the top. I also thought that the story of Kelly’s behavior overshadowing her concern played well. But I believe that in reality, someone would have taken her concern more seriously before Elizabeth was punched in the face by Mark. What do you think?


So, what are your thoughts? Did you enjoy the movie as much as I did? What stood out for you? What did you learn? Post your comments below!

Lady Gaga's 'Telephone": Should you pick up?

06.10.2010

I know in the past I have ripped Lady Gaga for her videos and lyrics. You can reference my previous blog on her video "Paparazzi" here. However, like the rest of the world, I too have joined the Lady Gaga fan wagon. I even heard on the radio that teens in Asia are using the phrase "oh my Lady Gaga," as a replacement for "oh my God." While this is obviously a stretch, it does speak volumes on the level of her worldwide popularity and exposure.

Despite the questionable content of her latest video, "Telephone" featuring Beyonce, there are some positive aspects in the song's lyrics. They send a message about having boundaries with your partner when it comes to technology. Even though we have phones that make us accessible at all times, it is still a person's right to have some time away from one's partner.

Whether you're at a school dance, studying for a test or hanging out with friends, you have a right to have a break from calling or texting from your partner. In a healthy relationship where there is trust, communication and mutual respect, "blowing up the phone" or calling all the time isn't acceptable. One line says, "You should've made some plans with me, you knew that I was free, and now you won't stop calling me, I'm kinda busy." Your point is taken Lady Gaga.

Teens, what do you think about teens in relationships needing access to each other. Do you feel like your partner should be accessible to all your calls and vice versa?

--Laura B.