Why do we have to suffer? Why can’t I reach out to anybody?

This question come out of our audience at Spotlight on Teen Dating Violence: Upload Awareness. This person, perhaps a survivor of TDV, is experiencing a feeling that many other survivors feel. Isolation. One of the biggest tools that an abuser uses to control their partner is isolation. In the beginning of a relationship, the abusive partner may say that they want to spend all their time with you and want you all to themselves. The may say that your friends or family don’t like them and that it hurts when you spend time with those people. Eventually this may turn into major jealousy or saying they don’t trust you with other people. This may lead you to limit time with others just so you don’t have to deal with an argument. And finally, friends and family may slowly pull away and give up on trying to hang out with you because it always causes problems in your relationship or they just don’t understand the isolation you are experiencing.

So our point is this, be aware of these early warning signs and look out for them. If you feel like this describes your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out to PADV advocates who can help you at 404-873-1766. Friends and family, if someone you love is in a situation like this don’t give up or abandon them. Be patient, listen, and most of all don’t let the survivor become more isolated by losing you. Give them information and be supportive.

The importance of safety planning

03.26.2010

In the March 8 edition of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, the newspaper reported that a 19-year-old woman was killed by her 22-year-old live-in boyfriend before he turned the gun on himself. The article stated that the woman had moved out of the home the previous week. In talking with teens, I often hear, “if her man is abusing her, why not just leave?” One reason why women may stay in an abusive relationship is because it could be fatal for them to leave. Statistics show that women who leave an abusive relationship have a 75 percent greater risk of being killed by their partner. Because of this, it is so important to safety plan in order to make a safe transition from the relationship. A safety plan can include:

• changing your work schedule or the location of your work,
• taking different routes to and from home,
• changing phone numbers and email addresses,
• changing school schedules or transferring schools,
• getting a Temporary Protective Order (TPO) placed on your abuser (if you are a teen under the age of 18, you have to have a parent or guardian obtain the TPO for you),
• creating code words with your family and friends, so if you run into your abuser, you can safely let your family and friends know that you are in need of help without alarming your abuser, and
• talking to others, particularly parents or other trusted adults, about the abuse.

By creating a safety plan, you increase your odds for leaving an abusive relationship safely. Click on the links below for safety plans designed specifically for teens and college students.

Teen Safety Plan

http://www.thesafespace.org/pdf/handout-safety-plan-workbook-teens.pdf

College Student Safety Plan

http://www.thesafespace.org/pdf/handout-safety-plan-workbook-college.pdf

"Gravity" by Sara Bareilles

12.15.2009

I was listening to the radio and I came across the song Gravity by Sara Bareilles. Besides being a beautiful song, the lyrics really stood out to me. In talking with teens, I always hear the myth that if they experienced abuse, they would just leave and wouldn’t return. I find that most people don’t understand how difficult it is to leave an abusive partner and stay away. In the song Gravity, I think that Bareilles gives a haunting and heartbreaking depiction of how difficult it is to leave a bad relationship. Check out the song and lyrics in the video below.



Throughout the song, Bareilles talks about the difficulties that she has leaving the relationship, and once she does leave, staying away. She states how her partner “holds her without touch or chains,” and how she would love to bask in her partner’s love without feeling their rain. I think that this one line defines dating and domestic abuse relationships perfectly. In abusive relationships, the abused partner doesn’t necessarily want to leave the relationship; they just want the abuse to stop. And because their dating partner may not always be abusive, sometimes they feel the good times overshadow the bad.

The song continues on with Bareilles begging to be left alone, stating that she doesn’t “want to fall another moment into [their] gravity” and that she is getting stronger, but they keep trying to keep her down. She goes on, continuing to speak about the difficulties of leaving and staying away.

This song is kind of sad because the ending is never resolved. The song ends right where it began, with her stating that "something always brings me back to you." While it is sad, it really speaks to the difficulties that barriers create. What would you do if you were still in love with your abuser, if you had no one to turn to for help, if you partner threatened to kill you or them if you left, if you had no money, no job, or anywhere to go? These are just a few of the barriers to leaving; there are many, many more. Listen to the song and try to put yourself in the abused partner’s shoes. As a society we need to try to have some empathy and stop being so judgmental. Figure out ways to help a survivor of abuse instead of looking down on them for staying in a relationship that is not healthy, because leaving looks much easier when viewing it from the outside.

What are your thoughts? Do you like the song? How did it make you feel?

Survivor Spotlight: Johanna's story

12.01.2009

In the wake of Rihanna speaking out publicly about the abuse she experienced, many other teen dating violence survivors are in the spotlight. On November 13, 2009, ABC's 20/20 featured teen dating violence survivor, Johanna Orozco. She shared a story of horrific violence and loss matched only by her strength and resilience. So much can be learned from Johanna and I encourage all of you to check out this clip.

Johanna lost both of her parents in one week due to unrelated tragedies which left her and her brother under the care of their grandparents. When Johanna was of dating age, she was asked out on a date by a childhood friend, Juan. After her grandparents blessing, the two began to date. Things were wonderful in the beginning; they were admired by their classmates and everyone wanted what Johanna and Juan had. But most people didn't know about the violence that went on behind closed doors.

Juan was extremely jealous and possessive and often questioned Johanna's relationships with friends and other guys at school. For Juan, it had to be his way and if not, he would physically abuse her. She was punched, bruised and pushed around and repeatedly threatened. When Johanna couldn't take it anymore she would break up with Juan, but he would never accept her choice. She said that she would stay in the relationship not because she wanted to, but because she scared of what might happen if she didn't.

One night, Juan came to her home and raped her at knife point. He threatened that if she told anyone he would kill her, whoever she told, and then burn her house down. Johanna was scared but revealed her secret to her teacher who called the police and placed Juan in a detention center. A few days later, Juan was released from the overcrowded detention center and placed on house arrest.

Johanna tried to move on and not live her life in fear of him. On March 5, 2007, a masked gun man approached her car window and shot her in the face with a sawed off shotgun and ran off. Miraculously, Johanna was rushed to a hospital by her neighbor and received emergency surgery. Her entire jaw, chin, and mouth were in shambles. When asked who had done this, it was no surprise that Juan was to blame.

Juan was sentenced to 27 years in prison. Even at his trial he said that he had "ruined his whole life,” proving that in the end, it was still about him and not about what he had done to Johanna.

Three years and nine surgeries later, Johanna is able to live a relatively normal life. Despite all odds, Johanna says that she feels like everything happened for a reason and chose to forgive Juan in order to move on. She still has the scars but is grateful to be alive and tell her story in hopes that it might save other teen lives. She is wise beyond her years and an unbelievable role model.

What do you think of Johanna's story? What lessons of strength can be learned by her experience? Please check out this clip to hear more of her story in her own words.

Rihanna on 20/20

11.23.2009

Recently, Rihanna granted her first interview since the dating abuse she endured at the hands of then boyfriend, Chris Brown. In the interview, she gave insight to the good times of her relationship, the night that “changed everything,” why she went back, and where she is in her recovery right now. While there are many critics who wish that she hadn’t waited so long to tell her story, I thought that Rihanna’s interview was honest, insightful and empowering.

In the interview, Rihanna stated that she grew up in a violent home. She shared about the violence that she witnessed towards her mother at the hands of her father, saying “domestic violence is not something that you want some one to know [about],” and that she “always used to say [she would] never date someone like [her] dad. Never…” Statistics show that young women who grow up witnessing domestic violence are more likely to be abused by a significant other, just as young men who grow up witnessing domestic violence are more likely to be abusers.

Later, Rihanna shed light on the barriers to leaving her relationship and how she finally made the decision to leave. As soon as the bruises faded, she began to question if she caused the abuse and what she could have done differently to prevent it. Ultimately, the feelings that she felt for Brown enticed her to go back. We know that Rihanna’s plight is not unusual; 8 out of 10 girls who have been physically abused in their dating relationships continue to date their abuser.

While Rihanna correctly cited many barriers and facts about dating abuse, I felt some of what she said provided misinformation about teen dating violence. During the interview, Rihanna stated that the abuse she endured before the Grammys was the only incident that occurred. The person conducting the interview pointed out that although the abuse in February of 2009 was the most documented; there were previous reports of violence in the relationship. Rihanna dismissed those other reports of violence because they weren’t as severe as the last one.

As many dating violence survivors know, abuse isn’t always physical; one in four teens report verbal, emotional sexual or physical abuse in their relationship. By implying that the other incidences of domestic violence weren’t as “severe,” she gave mixed signals and suggested that the other forms of abuse are not as serious as physical abuse.

Overall, I thought that this was a great interview. While I feel that viewers got more insight about teen dating violence, this was also a wonderful step for Rihanna’s recovery. Because dating violence is so taboo, I applaud that she stepped into the spotlight to shed light on this epidemic. I believe that she is no longer a victim but a true survivor and advocate for the cause.

As she said at the end of her interview, “I am strong….this happened to me… I didn’t cause this… and I will tell any girl who is going through domestic violence …don’t react out of love because love is so blind”.

What are you thoughts about the interview?

Peace, Love, and Happiness, Jil

Chris Brown's video response

07.23.2009

During a teen dating violence class I was presenting at this past weekend, the topic of Chris Brown and Rihanna came up. A few young men stated that they wish that everyone would just get over the whole thing; Chris Brown got punished and he will serve time by being on probation for five years, attend family violence classes, do hard labor, and stay a mandatory distance away from Rihanna. They asked me, why couldn’t I just let it go? I told them that I wouldn’t let it go because Chris Brown has never publicly apologized to Rihanna or his fans, nor has he admitted that he did anything wrong. The problem was that Chris Brown had never held himself accountable for, or publicly stated that, what occurred that night was wrong.

As if on cue, Chris Brown issued a video statement about the Rihanna altercation. He stated that he wanted to make an apology, that he was sincerely sorry, spoke about how he grew up in an abusive household, and stated that he has been seeking council from his mother and his spiritual leaders. In my opinion, it was very edited, very scripted, and just an “okay” statement in my book.

While I am no longer on my Chris Brown rampage, I feel as though he could have been more sincere in his apology. It felt to me as though he was reading his sentiments rather than feeling them. The tone of the message was all wrong for me. I wished he sounded more apologetic. I also felt that his apology was so edited that it made it seem even more unreal. As I was watching it, I actually saw the screen jump as though they edited one section to another; like the director took several takes of the “apology” and edited them together.

Beyond all of the movie magic that help to create the apology, I felt that Chris Brown could have gone further by holding other young men accountable, letting them know that dating violence is unacceptable and that no man should feel it is okay to abuse woman, even if they feel as though they were wronged. I feel as though Chris Brown should have stated that even after his court appointed violence intervention classes that he would work with a National organization dedicated to men stopping violence against women such as A Call To Men or local to Atlanta, Men Stopping Violence. I wish there would have been more. But I guess that real happy endings only happen on movie sets.

What are your thoughts? Were you satisfied with Chris Brown’s apology? Were you looking for more like me? Post your thoughts!

Peace, Love, and Happiness,

Jil

P!nk "Please Don't Leave Me"

06.25.09

-by Laura

As catchy as it may be, I can’t help but notice the alarming lyrics in Pink’s newest chart topping song “Please don’t leave me.” She sings about yelling at her partner, insulting him, threatening to kick him out, cutting him to pieces, and refers to him as her “perfect little punching bag”. These threats come along with praises and apologies like “you are so beautiful” and “I don’t mean it, please don’t leave me..” Throughout the song she also places the blame back on him; “What is it with you that makes me act like this” or justifying her actions with the fact that her heart is broken.

When there is dating violence in a relationship, there is often a cycle of abuse. I think this song is a perfect example of this cycle. One partner threatens (“I am capable of really anything”), then emotionally or physically hurts their partner (“How many times I’ve kicked you outta here.”), apologies and asked him or her to stay (“I need you, I’m sorry”). Then things are ok for awhile, but inevitably the cycle starts over again.

Unfortunately, the video is even worse. Throughout it, she progressively injures her boyfriend more and more severely. Its set up to seem funny, but after seeing this video I am not too proud of Pink.

I encourage you guys to really listen to what you are jamming out to on your ipods, because like I said, when that catchy beat comes on I got sucked in too! Check out the full lyrics below.


I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time I've kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?
Da da da, da da

I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
But my heart is broken
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty
Da da da, da da

Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it
I mean it, I promise
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me
Oh please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I cannot be without, you're my perfect little punching bag
And I need you, I'm sorry
Da da da, da da

Baby please don't leave me
(Da da da, da da)
No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me no no no

You say I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back
It's gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

Please don't leave me, oh no no no.
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me
Baby, please, please don't leave me
© EMI BLACKWOOD MUSIC INC.; PINK INSIDE PUBLISHING

Survivor Spotlight: Jenna's Story

06.08.2009

This blog was written by a teen dating violence survivor. *Jenna's story shows that teen dating violence does not always have to involve hitting, slapping, pushing, or other types of physical abuse. It also shows how violent emotional and verbal abuse can be and the effects that those actions have on a survivor.

My relationship with *Michael started the summer before my sophomore year in high school. We were very happy to be together as we had both recently broken up with other people. For the first three months, we didn’t have any problems and things were great. However, as time went on I began to notice certain patterns of behavior that made me a little uncomfortable. He was very possessive and didn’t like me hanging out with other guys. He got upset when I went to my sophomore WinterFest dance with a friend instead of him, even though he couldn’t be there. We worked it out eventually but I felt guilty even though I had no reason to. At first I thought it was sweet that he got jealous when I went out with other guys, but this only lead to more intense jealousy later.

My senior year, Michael was a first year student in college. He couldn’t come down for Prom, but I told him that I really wanted to go. I told him I was going with a friend of mine *Jay and he reluctantly agreed that this was fine. Prom passed with no incident, and Jay and I had a lot of fun. Nothing about our night was romantic. Then a few months later, Michael came home. One night, he met Jay and I for dinner, and I noticed that Michael seemed cold and distant. Back at my house, Michael told me he was upset because I sat next to Jay and not him at dinner, and because I had a few sips of Jay’s water. He asked me if I had been cheating on him. I said no, but Michael didn’t believe me. Before I knew it he was yelling, and soon he walked out of my room, without his shoes, telling me that he would “walk home” but he lived about 30 minutes away. He left his car in my driveway and started running down the street. Jay and I got in the car to go find him. When we found him, he apologized, but the incident really shook me up. Still, I never told me parents about it, because they were both asleep when it happened, and I didn’t want to scare them unnecessarily because I thought the issue had been resolved.

Then a few weeks later, we were in the car going to visit one of Michael’s friends. We ended up getting into an argument about Jay again, and this time he got so angry at me for “lying” to him about dating Jay, that he sped up and almost hit a tree. I jumped out of the car thinking that he would, but he stopped just short of it. After he collected himself he apologized and said that we should just go in and have fun with his friend. I really didn’t want to hang out with him anymore that night, but I was too embarrassed to call my family or a friend to have them come pick me up, because I thought I would have to explain what happened. So I agreed to go with him.

In August I had to leave for college, and for a while I thought we could have a long distance relationship and I thought things would work out because there hadn't been any more fights or violent incidents. In September though, out of the blue, he called me and accused me again of cheating on him. I didn’t know how to respond because by this time I was so tired of him making false accusations that I just sat there in silence. He interpreted that to be an admission of guilt, and told me he hated me and never wanted to talk to me again. I tried calling him back to explain that it wasn’t true. He never picked up his phone again, and to this day I haven’t heard from him.

Going through the break up was hard on me, particularly because I later found out that Michael was dating someone else while we were dating, even though he accused me of cheating. Yet I knew that since there was no trust or respect, there could be no relationship. Eventually I saw that he did me a favor, and I did one for myself by moving on.

*The names have been changed to protect the survivor.

Survivor Spotlight: Autumn's Story

03.25.09

My name is Autumn* and I’m a survivor of teen dating violence. The summer after I turned seventeen, I was working for a restaurant where I relied on my friends for comfort in the midst of a though break-up form my first boyfriend. On person I really got to know was Alan*, who was also also going through a rough break-up. I soon found myself becoming interested in Alan and by the end of the summer we were officially a couple. The first few months were flawless. He often bought be presents and always complimented on how beautiful I was and how lucky he was to have me in his life.

For my 18th birthday my parents invited all of my closes friends for a surprise birthday party. One of my best friends, James, who I could always rely on, came. When everyone was leaving, I gave James a friendly hug goodbye. This upset Alan. Alan and I never displayed our affection in public because it makes me uncomfortable. But he was angry that I hugged James in public and not him, he thought I was being affectionate to James in public and over him. Later he apologized and said he was being brash, but said that we shouldn’t feel uncomfortable about being affectionate since everyone knew that we loved each other. I didn't know then, but this was the beginning of a long pattern of abuse.

As time rolled on, things did not improve in our relationship. There were happy moments, but the bad moments soon become more frequent and more disturbing. That spring, I was voted onto my school’s Prom Court. During the prom, the Court has to take pictures together, which meant that we would have to leave out dates behind for a short while. After the photo he got mad at me and said that he was upset that I left him all alone. I was not sure why he said he was all alone, because he knew all my friends and a lot of the people in my school. I just dismissed it, because I knew the night was overwhelming and he was probably tired from a day of working and a night of dancing. But this did not stop him bring it up in our nightly calls. He would say he had a horrible time at prom and say that I was going to abandon him.

Soon graduation came. I was excited and anxious about my new adventure at my new college in Atlanta. Alan’s feelings were contrary because my school was 500 miles away. He said that if I left him he was going to kill himself. I said didn’t want that to happen but I had already committed to the school and I asked if there was something else I could to. Alan decided that in order for me to “make it up to him”, I had to have sex. I told him that I did not want to have sex just yet because I was raped a few years before. Alan told me that it was okay, because we were going to get married, something we had been discussing. I kept on refusing. He started to use the Bible as a way to insist I have sex with him, by saying that we were “married” in his eyes. Eventually I “agreed” to have sex when he insinuated that if I did not have sex with him because he said that I was withholding something from him and he viewed me as his wife.

Alan and I continued to have sex despite my unhappiness about it, but later the abuse took a change. When we first started having sex, I insisted that he use a condom since I believed that we were too young to have children. As the sex continued, Alan insisted that we shouldn’t have to use a condom; not because it felt better but because if Got didn’t want people to have children, they didn’t have them. However, I secretly had started to go on birth control. When he found out, he angrily grabbed the pills and threw them across the room while yelling at me and then proceeded to pick them up and flush them down the toilet. It scared me so badly that I stopped taking the birth control.

When I went to college, I seriously thought about breaking up with him, but he drove 500 miles to give me a diamond promise ring and told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I accepted the ring thinking that this meant that things were going to get better and that he was trying to show me how much I meant to him.

I was wrong. He insisted that I call him everyday at 9:00. He would make me sing him to sleep every night, and if I complained about being tired, he said that it was because I was too busy becoming a lesbian with all my new female friends. I would hide under my bed when I talked to him, because I was ashamed of how I was acting. My friends would tell me constantly that he was not a good boyfriend and that I was becoming sleep deprived talking to him all night.

My sophomore year I decided to get more involved on campus. I joined a social networking group and got instant messenger. Alan insisted that I give him my screen name and my social network site to keep track of me and make sure I was not lying about my information. I never gave him my password, but he figured it out. I also found out that he got my credit card information and spent $800 to register to a website that allowed people to find sexual partners. When I confronted him about it, he said that he needed to be sexually satisfied since I was not doing it anymore. My credit has been ruined because of him.

That spring, I fully realized how unhappy I was with Alan in my life hurting me emotionally, spiritually, fiscally and sexually. One night after a rough fight on the phone, I told Alan that I thought that we needed to break up because we were not meant for each other. I told him that I was strong and independent and that I did not need him anymore and then hung up the phone. I felt relieved. I did not respond to any of his calls and when he tried to visit me at school, my friends helped me stay away from him. I changed all my contact information and left him out of my life. After the break up, I remember thinking, "now, I am free."

Today, I am a strong woman, a college graduate, and an advocate for preventing teen dating violence. Though I had a strong community around me, my relationship could have ended sooner if someone had told me about teen dating violence or if I had known about the resources available to me. I now work with different organizations to end teen dating violence and I work with girls from my hometown to tell them my story. I hope that no other girl goes through what I went through. Though I was never hit by my abuser, I was still abused. I write this story today to talk about the different manifestations of teen dating violence.

For a long time I thought it was too late for me. It’s never too late. Get help, find an advocate, and find peace.

If you or your friend need help, call PADV at 404-873-1766.

Death Cab for Cutie “I Will Possess Your Heart”

2.24.2009

When I first heard this song all I really noticed was the soft voice and melodic sound. But between the lines I heard possessiveness and stalker behavior. Of course, as all of you know from reading our blog, these can be early warning signs of teen dating violence. See what you think:

How I wish you could see the potential
The potential of you and me
It’s like a book elegantly bound
But in language you can’t read just yet

(Chorus)
You got to spend some time, love
You got to spend some time with me
And I know that you’ll find love
I will possess your heart

There are days when outside your window
I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective
When we’ll be lovers, lovers at last

You reject my advances and desperate pleas
I won’t let you let me down so easily
So easily

The chorus really stands out to me. These words remind me of a line I was told once- “I’m gonna make you love me, yes I am, yes I am!” As someone who has always tried to “fix” things, I think it is easy to fall in the trap of thinking that we can make someone love us. But even if we talk someone into spending time with us it is never guaranteed that they will feel the same way. And sorry you guys, but we learn time and time again that no matter what we change or how wonderful we try to be, that ultimately it is up to your partner whether or not they to love you back.

The part about being outside the window and seeing your reflection takes the song to a creepy level in my opinion. It sounds like stalker behavior. And in the end, he acknowledges that she has rejected his advances and desperate please but continues to pursue her, it doesn’t sound like he understands or respects boundaries. By saying “I won’t let you let me down so easily” It once again shows that he really thinks he has control over her feelings towards him.

I encourage you to think about times in your life when you may have tried to force a relationship. I know in my experience, I was always met with disappointment. Now hopefully none of us have been as delusional as the guy in this song, but it is good to look at how possessiveness can really go too far.

What do you guys think about the song?

Technology and teen dating violence

2.2.2009

Technology is a wonderful thing. It allows us to see pictures of our friends that live hundreds of miles away, it lets us talk to our friends without seeing them in person and it gives us better and faster ways to have all the information we could ever want at our fingertips. So many of us have cell phones, instant messaging, and MySpace and Facebook accounts that technology seems to be integrated into every aspect of our lives.

It also makes it easier for us to talk with our boyfriend or girlfriend. We can send them cute text messages, we can proudly display their name on our Facebook page when we say that we’re “in a relationship” and we can send them e-Cards for Valentine’s Day and anniversaries.

However, technology can also be a tool for dating abuse. Texting too much, pressuring you to share your account information and logins to go through your e-mails or Facebook accounts and calling when you’re out with your friends could be something more serious than you think. Cell phone calls, texting, instant messaging and e-mailing at an alarmingly high rate can be a sign that your partner is trying to gain control.

Did you know that nearly one in four teens in relationships communicate with their partner via cell phone or text messaging hourly between midnight and 5:00 a.m.? Imagine the toll that those long hours awake can have on your school work, your social life and your overall health! By staying up for those extra hours you will not only lose sleep, your grades could start slipping, you could get sick more often, you could become more anxious or worried and you could constantly feel tired or groggy.

It’s not only the constant communication that could be problematic; many boyfriends and girlfriends use technology to spread rumors or make their partner feel embarrassed or put down. One in four teens in a relationship say that they have been called names, harassed or put down by their partner through cell phone calls or text messages. Hearing harsh words and insults from a partner can be harmful no matter the circumstances; whether it be in person or via text message.

Are you worried that this is happening to you or a friend? If you’d like more information about teen dating abuse and how to get help, please go to our website at www.padv.org or call a teen dating violence helpline.

How dating violence affected me

1.14.2009

I’d like to pose a question to everyone reading this blog: how has teen dating violence (TDV) affected you?

My name is Jil and I work for PADV as the teen prevention advocate. I talk with teens in their schools or community groups about building healthy relationships. I also warn teens about dating abuse and what to do in the event that teen dating violence is affecting them or their friends. Before I started working in this field, I didn’t know a lot about teen dating violence. I thought that it was something that only a few teens had to deal with. Looking back, teen dating violence was present in my life when I was younger. But I thought that the warning signs I saw were just a normal part of relationships during high school. At the time, I wasn’t looking for warning signs because I wasn’t really paying attention to the people around me and their relationships; especially if I didn’t know them really well.

Now than I know about teen dating violence and recognize how it was present in my life when I was a teen, I wish that I would have done something for those couples that were having shouting arguments in the hallway at school or the girl from gym class who showed some bruises that she got from her boyfriend. I could have even helped a friend of mine whose boyfriend slapped her and pushed her into lockers.

Dating violence doesn’t discriminate based on age, race, gender or sexual orientation. I wish that I had realized that more when I was a teen. Even though I was not in violent relationships as a teen, I should have been an advocate for those who were and told them that everyone deserves better than a relationship that is built on violence and abuse.

So, I’m wondering has teen dating violence has affected you? Has someone you know been abused by their dating partner? What can you do, or what have you done, to help?

If you’re ever looking for information about teen dating violence or other forms of abuse, check out our website.

Engaged & Underage from MTV

12.30.2008

Engaged & Underage is a show on MTV that follows young couples (all 21 and under) preparing for their big walk down the aisle. Some couples have wonderful and strong relationships and see marriage as the next practical step of their relationship. But sometimes, the couples don't have a strong relationship that's rooted in trust, mutual support and honesty.

One example of a couple that does not have a healthy relationship is Jewel and Cory, a couple from Texas. You can watch scenes from their episode below.

Engaged & Underage - MTV Shows

During the introductory part of their episode, Jewel talks about how her fiancé Cory used to be a professional BMX biker, but that she made him quit once they were engaged. Do you think Cory should have to choose between doing what he loves, BMX, and the person that he thinks is "The One?"

In the first part of the episode, we watch Jewel and Cory at a family barbeque. Many of the people in their families say that Cory is “whipped”; he’ll do whatever Jewel says with no questions asked. Cory felt that Jewel was instigating these perceptions by saying that Cory did whatever she asked. How do you think that Jewel could have been more supportive of Cory? What should she have done differently?

All throughout the episode, Jewel is constantly nagging Cory about completing one of two things; their house (which they plan to move into after the wedding) and a bridge that she wants installed for her wedding day. These tasks are often unrealistic and obviously tedious because Cory has a hard time completing them. He even takes time away from his family dinner to try to explain to Jewel that he can’t possibly get everything done and prepare for their wedding. Other than feeling frustrated, how do you think Cory feels?

Even though we’ve already said that we think their relationship is rocky, what do you think?

Heidi and Spencer from The Hills

11.26.2008


Heidi and Spencer's relationship really bothers me because it seems as though no one realizes how abusive Spencer is. Not that he's physically abusive towards Heidi, but dating violence is about more than that. In watching Heidi and Spencer's relationhip on “The Hills,” there are several warning signs that show that Spencer is abusive:


He isolates her from her friends and family- a hint to an abusive guy is he tries to isolate you from your closest friends and family so that you have no one else to turn to once the abuse starts. Spencer has completely alienated her from her family, making Heidi distrust her family's concern about her relationship, calling her family members names (“stalker-mom”; Heidi's sister as the “mooch of the century”), and manipulating situations to make Heidi hurt her family members (Heidi's mom crying and Heidi kicking her sister out of the apartment she shares with Spencer).


He is jealous of Heidi's relationships with others- another warning sign of an abusive partner is that they are jealous of other friendships. Spencer wants Heidi to only spend time with those people that he feels are “loyal”, and if Heidi doesn't agree, he threatens to break up with her, cheat, or move out of their apartment. The relationship that Heidi wants to work on the most is with Lauren, her former roommate who doesn't like Spencer. Spencer tries to say that Lauren wants Heidi all to herself, but it seems that he is the one that wants that, not Lauren.


Spencer is controlling- Spencer has never really shown Heidi much respect; Her opinions are not supported, her job is not seen as important, and she is not allowed to choose who her friends are. Heidi seems to always be walking on egg shells around Spencer because she never knows what type of mood Spencer is going to be in. He is always giving annoyed looks, and being passive-aggressive in his words and actions. What Spencer wants, Spencer gets -and it doesn't matter what he has to do or who he has to hurt to get it, including Heidi.


Many people have said that Heidi is changing and having to compromise a lot for her relationship. Spencer has already shown signs of dating violence; he is controlling, manipulative, and extremely selfish. However, since the last aired episode of “The Hills,” Spencer and Heidi are now married. It is my hope that their relationship improves and that Spencer can change his abusive ways because Heidi deserves much more, everyone in abusive relationships does.