“Can a person be that in love with a person that hurt them?”

Nobody falls in love with an abuser. Things usually start off really well, so if any kind of abuse occurs, the victim usually believes that they can fix the relationship or fix the person and make things go back to the way they were. They believe that this is just a rough patch and that they just need to wait it out, and in time, things will go back to how they were in the beginning, when they were happy together.

For other people, it is hard for them to realize that they are in an abusive relationship. Those who don’t have a lot of dating experience or don’t have healthy couple role models believe that this is normal couple “stuff”.

Others believe in the glamour of love so much so that when the abusive dating partner hurts them and later apologizes, they believe that the apology is sincere, and they never see the abuse/apology scenario as cyclical. All the while, a pattern of violence is being established without the victim ever realizing it. In many cases, especially if the abusive partner is excessively charming and likable, even friends of the victim may encourage the victim to forgive the abuser. Many people are not fully aware of the abusive pattern and so encourage the victim to accept the apology and forget it ever happened.


So what do we do?

First learn about warning signs. Pay attention if your dating partner is very possessive or extremely jealous, gets angry quickly, is excessively charming, wants to get serious quickly, or starts isolating you from your friends and family.

Second, learn about the cycle of violence.

Third, get to know that person before you start dating seriously, because anyone can be on their best behavior for a few days.

And most importantly, listen to your gut instinct if it’s telling you something is wrong!

"Gravity" by Sara Bareilles

12.15.2009

I was listening to the radio and I came across the song Gravity by Sara Bareilles. Besides being a beautiful song, the lyrics really stood out to me. In talking with teens, I always hear the myth that if they experienced abuse, they would just leave and wouldn’t return. I find that most people don’t understand how difficult it is to leave an abusive partner and stay away. In the song Gravity, I think that Bareilles gives a haunting and heartbreaking depiction of how difficult it is to leave a bad relationship. Check out the song and lyrics in the video below.



Throughout the song, Bareilles talks about the difficulties that she has leaving the relationship, and once she does leave, staying away. She states how her partner “holds her without touch or chains,” and how she would love to bask in her partner’s love without feeling their rain. I think that this one line defines dating and domestic abuse relationships perfectly. In abusive relationships, the abused partner doesn’t necessarily want to leave the relationship; they just want the abuse to stop. And because their dating partner may not always be abusive, sometimes they feel the good times overshadow the bad.

The song continues on with Bareilles begging to be left alone, stating that she doesn’t “want to fall another moment into [their] gravity” and that she is getting stronger, but they keep trying to keep her down. She goes on, continuing to speak about the difficulties of leaving and staying away.

This song is kind of sad because the ending is never resolved. The song ends right where it began, with her stating that "something always brings me back to you." While it is sad, it really speaks to the difficulties that barriers create. What would you do if you were still in love with your abuser, if you had no one to turn to for help, if you partner threatened to kill you or them if you left, if you had no money, no job, or anywhere to go? These are just a few of the barriers to leaving; there are many, many more. Listen to the song and try to put yourself in the abused partner’s shoes. As a society we need to try to have some empathy and stop being so judgmental. Figure out ways to help a survivor of abuse instead of looking down on them for staying in a relationship that is not healthy, because leaving looks much easier when viewing it from the outside.

What are your thoughts? Do you like the song? How did it make you feel?