Sex and technology

11.11.2009

I recently heard the song “LOL :).” It has a catchy beat but details how a female uses text messages, pictures, Twitter, and IMs in order to lure her man over to meet her for sex. The song made me think about the new phenomenon of “sexting” and how it relates to dating violence.

Many teens view “sexting” as a new way of flirting with someone. Some teens, both boys and girls, believe that if you like someone, you take a sexy photo of yourself and send it to them via text, IM or post that photo on Twitter, Facebook or MySpace. To some teens it’s harmless; a way to be intimate with someone without all of the consequences of actually engaging in sex. But, the perils of “sexting” go far beyond simple flirting. What happens when “sexting” and controlling behaviors mix?

“Sexting” is just one of the many types of technology abuse that is rapidly infiltrating teen relationships. What happens when technology is introduced into a relationship where one dating partner already has control over the other? There have been instances where the controlling partner demands that the abused partner send sexy pictures or text messages. There have been instances where one partner willingly sends pictures to the dating partner only to have the partner threaten to send them out or post them on the internet if the other partner doesn’t do as he or she is told.. There have been instances of pictures or messages being accidently sent to the wrong person and their dating partner, believing that it is intentional, seeks to punish their dating partner for what they believe to be an indiscretion. Imagine how it might feel to have your dating partner sending you unwanted, sexually explicit pictures of themselves thinking that it is what is appropriate for a dating relationship. In all of these examples, a seemingly innocent act turns into an act of violence.

Finally, I want you to think back on the text messages you have sent to your significant other or crush. See how open you are to let just anyone view your messages. What would happen if it was in the wrong hands? In what ways could those messages be interpreted?

In response to “sexting” and controlling behaviors in dating relationships, check out www.thatsnotcool.org. This Web site is dedicated to ending technology abuse among dating partners. The site addresses ending all types of technology abuse including “sexting,” texting harassment, constant messaging, and rumor spreading. If you are looking for ways to stop your partner from abusing you via technology, check out the site’s callout card section.

Survivor Spotlight: Jenna's Story

06.08.2009

This blog was written by a teen dating violence survivor. *Jenna's story shows that teen dating violence does not always have to involve hitting, slapping, pushing, or other types of physical abuse. It also shows how violent emotional and verbal abuse can be and the effects that those actions have on a survivor.

My relationship with *Michael started the summer before my sophomore year in high school. We were very happy to be together as we had both recently broken up with other people. For the first three months, we didn’t have any problems and things were great. However, as time went on I began to notice certain patterns of behavior that made me a little uncomfortable. He was very possessive and didn’t like me hanging out with other guys. He got upset when I went to my sophomore WinterFest dance with a friend instead of him, even though he couldn’t be there. We worked it out eventually but I felt guilty even though I had no reason to. At first I thought it was sweet that he got jealous when I went out with other guys, but this only lead to more intense jealousy later.

My senior year, Michael was a first year student in college. He couldn’t come down for Prom, but I told him that I really wanted to go. I told him I was going with a friend of mine *Jay and he reluctantly agreed that this was fine. Prom passed with no incident, and Jay and I had a lot of fun. Nothing about our night was romantic. Then a few months later, Michael came home. One night, he met Jay and I for dinner, and I noticed that Michael seemed cold and distant. Back at my house, Michael told me he was upset because I sat next to Jay and not him at dinner, and because I had a few sips of Jay’s water. He asked me if I had been cheating on him. I said no, but Michael didn’t believe me. Before I knew it he was yelling, and soon he walked out of my room, without his shoes, telling me that he would “walk home” but he lived about 30 minutes away. He left his car in my driveway and started running down the street. Jay and I got in the car to go find him. When we found him, he apologized, but the incident really shook me up. Still, I never told me parents about it, because they were both asleep when it happened, and I didn’t want to scare them unnecessarily because I thought the issue had been resolved.

Then a few weeks later, we were in the car going to visit one of Michael’s friends. We ended up getting into an argument about Jay again, and this time he got so angry at me for “lying” to him about dating Jay, that he sped up and almost hit a tree. I jumped out of the car thinking that he would, but he stopped just short of it. After he collected himself he apologized and said that we should just go in and have fun with his friend. I really didn’t want to hang out with him anymore that night, but I was too embarrassed to call my family or a friend to have them come pick me up, because I thought I would have to explain what happened. So I agreed to go with him.

In August I had to leave for college, and for a while I thought we could have a long distance relationship and I thought things would work out because there hadn't been any more fights or violent incidents. In September though, out of the blue, he called me and accused me again of cheating on him. I didn’t know how to respond because by this time I was so tired of him making false accusations that I just sat there in silence. He interpreted that to be an admission of guilt, and told me he hated me and never wanted to talk to me again. I tried calling him back to explain that it wasn’t true. He never picked up his phone again, and to this day I haven’t heard from him.

Going through the break up was hard on me, particularly because I later found out that Michael was dating someone else while we were dating, even though he accused me of cheating. Yet I knew that since there was no trust or respect, there could be no relationship. Eventually I saw that he did me a favor, and I did one for myself by moving on.

*The names have been changed to protect the survivor.

How dating violence affected me

1.14.2009

I’d like to pose a question to everyone reading this blog: how has teen dating violence (TDV) affected you?

My name is Jil and I work for PADV as the teen prevention advocate. I talk with teens in their schools or community groups about building healthy relationships. I also warn teens about dating abuse and what to do in the event that teen dating violence is affecting them or their friends. Before I started working in this field, I didn’t know a lot about teen dating violence. I thought that it was something that only a few teens had to deal with. Looking back, teen dating violence was present in my life when I was younger. But I thought that the warning signs I saw were just a normal part of relationships during high school. At the time, I wasn’t looking for warning signs because I wasn’t really paying attention to the people around me and their relationships; especially if I didn’t know them really well.

Now than I know about teen dating violence and recognize how it was present in my life when I was a teen, I wish that I would have done something for those couples that were having shouting arguments in the hallway at school or the girl from gym class who showed some bruises that she got from her boyfriend. I could have even helped a friend of mine whose boyfriend slapped her and pushed her into lockers.

Dating violence doesn’t discriminate based on age, race, gender or sexual orientation. I wish that I had realized that more when I was a teen. Even though I was not in violent relationships as a teen, I should have been an advocate for those who were and told them that everyone deserves better than a relationship that is built on violence and abuse.

So, I’m wondering has teen dating violence has affected you? Has someone you know been abused by their dating partner? What can you do, or what have you done, to help?

If you’re ever looking for information about teen dating violence or other forms of abuse, check out our website.