“Why do girls hit boys?”

Some call it play-fighting, but playing this game can be tricky. First, we must recognize that there are a few unspoken rules to this game, like a)when we hit someone who is bigger/stronger than us, we expect them not to hit back because we are smaller/weaker; b)if they do hit back, then we expect them to hit back with equal force; and c)the game ends when we say “stop”. With so many rules and expectations to the play-fighting game, aren’t we opening the door to abuse and/or putting ourselves at the mercy of the other player? How thin is the line between “a game within a healthy relationship” and “going too far”?

It’s all fun and games in the beginning, but play-fighting can gradually lead to violence. It starts with playful hitting, then it moves on to hitting because he made a lame joke, and eventually you start hitting out of anger. Finding ways to express our feelings (including tension, frustration and anger) is part of being in a healthy relationship. In a loving relationship there is good communication and you should feel confident that your partner won’t hurt you.

We don’t always consider the possible repercussions upon ourselves when we play-fight. More importantly, we often assume that boys enjoy this behavior, when in reality they don’t and simply don’t know how to make us stop. We are trained to think that boys should be tough, and thus may think they can’t be physically hurt. We laugh it off, but over time the play-hitting game allows boys to lose respect for our boundaries and lower their opinions of us, which hurts the relationship and can result in unjustified labels (such as “psycho” or “aggressive”). Play-fighting is not the way to achieve gender equality, and is not the way to strengthen a relationship.

Q & A: Can play-fighting lead to serious abuse?

06.28.2010

On March 13, 2010, PADV Teen Scene sponsored our 1st annual Spotlight on Teen Dating Violence summit. We gathered some questions that we were unable to answer during the summit, so we are going to answer them here on our blog. Check back as we answer more questions.

Q: Do you think that two people in a relationship together that play fight could lead to serious abuse?

A: According to Wikipedia, “In humans, play fighting (sometimes called roughhousing or horse-playing) is an activity in which two or more people act as though they are in combat, but without actually meaning to harm their partners, nor dealing sufficient bodily harm to make the game unenjoyable.” However, when we are talking about play fighting where potential teen dating violence is concerned, we might want to look a little more closely. Are both people really okay with it? When does it go too far? Is there a safe word like, “Stop!" or, "Truce!” that both people will respect and listen to?

I think that acting out physically can often be a tool used by those that don’t know the power of verbal communication. Learning ways to express ourselves verbally and through written form is a much more effective way to show emotion and communicate with our partners. Therefore, if you or your partner play fight a lot it might mean you don’t have healthy communication. Also, physical aggressiveness is an indicator of violent tendencies.

And do we really want to wrestle with our partners? Wikipedia goes on to say, “Similar behavior is visible in other animals including cats, dogs, gorillas and kangaroos.” Since being in a relationship isn’t about combat or acting like kangaroos, I think we can move away from play fighting with our partners.

-- Laura B.