“Can a person be that in love with a person that hurt them?”

Nobody falls in love with an abuser. Things usually start off really well, so if any kind of abuse occurs, the victim usually believes that they can fix the relationship or fix the person and make things go back to the way they were. They believe that this is just a rough patch and that they just need to wait it out, and in time, things will go back to how they were in the beginning, when they were happy together.

For other people, it is hard for them to realize that they are in an abusive relationship. Those who don’t have a lot of dating experience or don’t have healthy couple role models believe that this is normal couple “stuff”.

Others believe in the glamour of love so much so that when the abusive dating partner hurts them and later apologizes, they believe that the apology is sincere, and they never see the abuse/apology scenario as cyclical. All the while, a pattern of violence is being established without the victim ever realizing it. In many cases, especially if the abusive partner is excessively charming and likable, even friends of the victim may encourage the victim to forgive the abuser. Many people are not fully aware of the abusive pattern and so encourage the victim to accept the apology and forget it ever happened.


So what do we do?

First learn about warning signs. Pay attention if your dating partner is very possessive or extremely jealous, gets angry quickly, is excessively charming, wants to get serious quickly, or starts isolating you from your friends and family.

Second, learn about the cycle of violence.

Third, get to know that person before you start dating seriously, because anyone can be on their best behavior for a few days.

And most importantly, listen to your gut instinct if it’s telling you something is wrong!

“Why do girls hit boys?”

Some call it play-fighting, but playing this game can be tricky. First, we must recognize that there are a few unspoken rules to this game, like a)when we hit someone who is bigger/stronger than us, we expect them not to hit back because we are smaller/weaker; b)if they do hit back, then we expect them to hit back with equal force; and c)the game ends when we say “stop”. With so many rules and expectations to the play-fighting game, aren’t we opening the door to abuse and/or putting ourselves at the mercy of the other player? How thin is the line between “a game within a healthy relationship” and “going too far”?

It’s all fun and games in the beginning, but play-fighting can gradually lead to violence. It starts with playful hitting, then it moves on to hitting because he made a lame joke, and eventually you start hitting out of anger. Finding ways to express our feelings (including tension, frustration and anger) is part of being in a healthy relationship. In a loving relationship there is good communication and you should feel confident that your partner won’t hurt you.

We don’t always consider the possible repercussions upon ourselves when we play-fight. More importantly, we often assume that boys enjoy this behavior, when in reality they don’t and simply don’t know how to make us stop. We are trained to think that boys should be tough, and thus may think they can’t be physically hurt. We laugh it off, but over time the play-hitting game allows boys to lose respect for our boundaries and lower their opinions of us, which hurts the relationship and can result in unjustified labels (such as “psycho” or “aggressive”). Play-fighting is not the way to achieve gender equality, and is not the way to strengthen a relationship.

“Why do boys have a problem telling if they have been raped?”

When was the first time you heard the words “boys don’t cry” or “man up”? What makes up a “strong man” is socially ingrained in us at a very early age, but gender roles can sometimes create stereotypes that are unfair and inaccurate. And what happens when we don’t live up to those expectations? Can those beliefs lead to frustration, anger, and even violence? The answer is yes.

Failure to communicate?We always talk about how boys can’t communicate their feelings, but is it really just a communication problem? Has it become more socially acceptable to have a teen boy act angry than to admit he is feeling scared or sad? If you are a friend of someone who has been sexually assaulted, don’t judge or blame them, but listen to their story, offer your unconditional support and encourage them to seek help.

Where is your safe place?Nobody ever believes it can happen to them, but 58% of rape victims report being raped between the ages of 12-24. If you’ve been sexually assaulted, it’s very important to find safety and call for help as soon as possible.
RAINN 1-800-656-4673.

Women's Empowerment

So I know I always write critiques of my ladies P!nk, Lady Gaga, and Katy Perry, but truth be told, I dance it out to their songs just like everyone else. In typical pop fashion, these stars often have positive and unhealthy songs out at the same time. So today, I will graciously highlight the good ones.

I have noticed a theme lately. There has been an explosion of "love yourself" empowering songs on the airwaves. P!nk's "Make you feel perfect," Lady Gaga's "Born this way." and Katy Perry's "Firework," are all basically saying the same thing. Accept yourself, know you're awesome and unique, and celebrate diversity. And of course dancing your heart out is great for the soul too.

Teens, what do you think of these songs? Are you feeling the love too? Let us know if you would like to see more of these kinds of songs.

Forget you!

I see you driving 'round town
With the girl I love and I'm like,
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough, I'm like,
Forget you!
And forget her too!
Said, if I was richer, I'd still be with ya
ha, oh ain't that some stuff?
ain't that some stuff?
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo

“Forget You”
Cee-Lo Green

Lately this song makes me laugh every time it comes on the radio. Heartbreak and betrayal, of course, are far from funny when we experience them- and many of us know this to be true from personal experience. Perhaps this is why the song is so wildly popular- many of us wish we had the guts to say “forget you!” to whoever has hurt us in the past.

The truth is, cheating and two-timing are forms of manipulation and folks, well, manipulation is one form of emotional abuse that can have some really painful consequences for the person on the receiving end. This is a perfect example of how in our society many forms of abuse aren’t even recognized as such. In fact, for many people, only physical abuse really qualifies as “domestic violence.”

What about you? Do you think cheating, lying to, and/or two-timing your partner are forms of abuse?

Alyse L.

A Response to Chris Brown

Oh Chris Brown, please get some help. I doubt that there is anyone who missed the out burst that he had last week on ABC's Good Morning America. While being questioned by the reporter, he dodged all questions concerning his abuse of Rihanna and continued to try to redirect the conversation back to his new album. Afterwards he destroyed a dressing room at the ABC studios, busted a window over the streets of NYC, and scared everyone within a mile radius. Yet no one called the police. They called their own security. This means that even though he is still on probation for his attack on Rihanna two years ago, L.A. police can not even violate his probation. So despite his obvious lack of progress and accountability, he will suffer no consequences for his actions. And yes, the networks will still be featuring him on Dancing with the Stars and Saturday Night Live.

Check out this clip of J Smooth, telling Chris Brown how it is. If you feel the same, please comment, spread the word, and don't continue to support abusive stars.

Why do we have to suffer? Why can’t I reach out to anybody?

This question come out of our audience at Spotlight on Teen Dating Violence: Upload Awareness. This person, perhaps a survivor of TDV, is experiencing a feeling that many other survivors feel. Isolation. One of the biggest tools that an abuser uses to control their partner is isolation. In the beginning of a relationship, the abusive partner may say that they want to spend all their time with you and want you all to themselves. The may say that your friends or family don’t like them and that it hurts when you spend time with those people. Eventually this may turn into major jealousy or saying they don’t trust you with other people. This may lead you to limit time with others just so you don’t have to deal with an argument. And finally, friends and family may slowly pull away and give up on trying to hang out with you because it always causes problems in your relationship or they just don’t understand the isolation you are experiencing.

So our point is this, be aware of these early warning signs and look out for them. If you feel like this describes your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out to PADV advocates who can help you at 404-873-1766. Friends and family, if someone you love is in a situation like this don’t give up or abandon them. Be patient, listen, and most of all don’t let the survivor become more isolated by losing you. Give them information and be supportive.

Are men and women equal?

This short clip featuring Daniel Craig (aka Blue eyed James Bond) highlights the statistics and realities of being a man and a woman today. While there has been great progress over the last century in leveling the playing field for women, we still have lots of work to do. The closing line of this clip really stuck with me, "Until the answer is yes, we can never stop asking"

http://www.thedailybeast.com/galleries/1637/1/?redirectURL=http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2010-05-17/men-in-tights/

Can you block text messages?

When you are trying to leave an abusive relationship, cutting off communication can be tough. Even if you know that you are ready to move on, those text messages from your ex might keep pulling you back in. After a bad fight or a break up, abusive partners often go into a phase of manipulation to try to get you back. The texts could be full of promises that he or she will change and reminders of the good times. However, there could also be threats and insults. Either way, it might be best for you to just cut off this line of communication altogether to save your sanity and keep you on the path towards moving on. Keep in mind though, that if things have gotten so bad that you have to get a temporary protection order against your ex, you may want to save all those texts as evidence. For tips on how to block text messages, check out the link below.

http://www.ehow.com/how_4454971_block-text-messages.html

Blackmailed with pics?

What would be the best thing to do if he threatens to put up those dirty pics if I tell or break up with him?

As you saw in last weeks blog, sexting is a crime and really dangerous. But what can you do if it’s too late and your boyfriend/ girlfriend is threatening to put your pics out for the whole world to see if you break up with them? The best thing to do is tell an adult. If your partner has threatened you by using technology keep a record of the facebook posts or messages to protect yourself. You can also report it to the police. Check out this helpful site to find tips for teens and parents on dealing with sexting. http://www.safeteens.com/teen-sexting-tips/

Teens, do you have any advise for your peers who might be dealing with threats involving sexting?

Legal Dangers of Sexting

“Teens shouldn’t Sext, it leads to lots of trouble.”

This comment came for some in the audience at Spotlight on Teen Dating Violence: Upload Awareness and PADV agrees! According to Ross and Pines, LLC, an Atlanta attorney group, “Sexting is the act of sending sexually explicit messages or photographs, primarily between mobile phones. Did you know that sexting is a crime!? According to Georgia state sex statutes were written before cell phones and the Internet. As a result, sexting fits under child pornography laws. Depending on the details of the case, a sexting offense could be prosecuted as either a misdemeanor or felony. For a felony conviction, the sentence could be a minimum of 5 years and a maximum of 20 years in prison, and a person's name would appear on Georgia's sex offender registry for at least 15 years.”

So teens, when it comes to sexting, its best to steer clear. Not only is it illegal, but those images can be used by a controlling partner or a bully to blackmail you. 3 in 10 young people have sent or received nude pictures of other young people on their cell or online. With the rapid nature of the internet you could end up on websites that you may never even see. Don’t be a statistic, keep the private pics private.

Bad track record?

“Say you really like someone but you know he has a bad record with hitting girls and you’re blinded by love. Would you go for it?”

This question came out of the Spotlight on Teen Dating Violence: Upload Awareness summit audience but it seems like there are lots of people who have this question… or opinions at least. A few weeks ago on Q100 radio station, a woman (we will call her Judy) called in with this same concern. She had been with her fiancé for over 3 years and thus far their relationship had been peaceful. There were no red flags and as a child who witnessed her mom being abused, Judy felt like she knew what to look out for. She explained that during a recent game of truth or dare with friends the question “have the police ever been called to your house” came up. Her fiancé revealed that he had hit a previous girlfriend many years before and he was arrested. He basically laughed it off as a drunken argument that happened ages ago. But for Judy this was a deal breaker. She said she couldn’t look at him the same way and was considering calling off the engagement.

But in typical Q100 fashion several wannabe experts (listeners who really don’t know anything, but have lots of opinions) called in and said she couldn’t judge him for something that happened so long ago and that she should move forward with marrying him. All of callers said the same thing.

Every person has a right to listen to their intuition and have our own deal breakers and for Judy, this was it. No one, especially not your partner should minimize your feelings and concern about a history of abuse. Judy said that she felt like anyone who could do that doesn’t have the same values as her and she wouldn’t tolerate abuse of any kind. I agree with her and I hope that she listened to herself not the listeners of Q100.

But teens, what do you think? Can people change? Should we base our view of them on how they were in previous relationships?

Bruno Mars At His Best

Since I ripped Bruno Mars for Grenade I wanted to give him the props that is due for his song “Just the way you are. Check out the clip below.

http://www.mtv.com/videos/bruno-mars/558837/just-the-way-you-are.jhtmlThis song celebrates the woman just as she is and promotes self-acceptance. Every time this plays I smile. Hope you will too.

What other songs do you guys know of that promote healthy relationships? Post here.

--Laura

Even with the sound down on my television, I knew something horrible had happened when I saw a beautiful young woman on the screen and moments later her sinister looking boyfriend flashed upon it. I later discovered that this beautiful woman was in fact someone well known, fashion designer Sylvie Cachay. She and her former boyfriend Nick Brooks had just broken up after a 6 month relationship, but during that short time, acquaintances describe their relationship as “turbulent.” Brooks was unemployed, suspected of using drugs, and his father, Oscar winner Joseph Brooks, was previously accused of 82 counts of sexual abuse.

On Wednesday, the night before her death, neighbors report hearing them arguing and him stomping around while yelling “You really hurt me.” A fire even broke out in their room and the two were forced to leave her apartment. On Thursday, they checked in to Soho House, a popular celebrity hotel in Manhattan. At around 3 am, hotel dwellers reported leaking in the ceiling and authorities found Sylvie lying face down in an overflowing bathtub with strangulation marks on her neck, blood shot eyes, bite marks on her hand, and pills thrown around the scene. I am no investigator of course, but the cause of death seems clear.

Yet on the Today show, Brooks’ attorney said some things that ultimately compelled me to write about this sad story. When asked if his client was capable of committing this crime, he replied, “All sorts of things can happen between two loving people in an intimate partner relationship.” Jaw drop number one. Then the reporter asked, “People describe their relationship as turbulent.” The attorney shrugged and said “I don’t know any relationship that isn’t turbulent.” Jaw drop number two. I was shocked that someone could take this so lightly.

My heart goes out to Sylvie and her family and I hope that the criminal justice system sorts through this case with a fine toothed comb. Teens, what indicators and warning signs do you see in this case? As a friend or neighbor of Sylvie, what could you have done if you saw these warning signs?

-- Laura B.

Amber faces jail

Oh reality TV! We have no doubt all heard by now that Amber Portwood on MTV’s Teen Mom is always in and out of trouble. Well now she faces criminal charges for battery against her child’s father Gary Shirley. She was seen hitting him multiple times and faces two felonies and a misdemeanor. I have seen interviews in the past where she has belittled him and verbally abused him, but this certainly took it to an escalated level.

For a more in depth article,click here.

What do you all think about guys getting abused by their female partners? Let’s weigh in on this not so often talked about form of intimate partner violence.


--Laura B.

Bruno Mars drops a bomb on the airwaves

Bruno Mars has come out with another catchy song, but “Grenade” sounds more like a warzone than a song about relationships. I understand that break ups are tough and there is usually one person who feels slighted by their ex, but I don’t know that all these weapon references should be blasted out on the airwaves. With all the recent coverage on teen suicides, Mars might need to tone it down. The chorus is below:

I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won't do the same

Love does not equal being willing to commit suicide or be killed. What do you all think about these violent references?

--Laura B.

Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right When it Comes to DV

Finally! Hollywood is holding celebrities accountable for their abusive behaviors.

By now, I’m sure we have all heard about Mel Gibson’s verbally abusive rant towards his ex-girl friend Oksana Grigorieva. In the recorded telephone conversation Gibson ripped into Grigorieva with such intensity that quite frankly, it was hard to listen to. There are also prior allegations of physical abuse perpetrated by Gibson and a temporary protective order was filed.

Fast forward to October 2010, in typical Hollywood fashion, this incident was beginning to fade from our minds. Gibson was slated to have a role in the highly anticipated "The Hangover 2," but after cast and crew expressed discontent with him being in the movie, Director Todd Phillips pulled him from the cast and replaced with Liam Neeson.

From the coverage I read online, Gibson was furious and didn’t see why "The Hangover" cast Mike Tyson but wouldn’t let him be in the movie. Two wrongs don’t make a right Mel.

In closing, I am just pleased to see that celebrities are holding one another accountable and not forgetting their bad behaviors so quickly. Perhaps Hollywood is finally seeing the connection between people’s bad behavior off screen and the hypocrisy of supporting them in the spotlight.

--Laura B.

There is Nothing Perfect about a "Perfect Nightmare"

Another song about troubled relationships has graced the pop airways. Shontelle’s new hit single “Perfect Nightmare” is playing so much I am having dreams about it.

In this song, Shontelle describes the flood of emotions and uncertainty that are so common for survivors in abusive relationships. She waits for him to change, disguises her pain, and keeps telling herself she doesn’t deserve it. She even packs her bags to leave, but just can’t because she doesn’t want to leave him alone. As she sings, “They say I’m brainwashed but I’m in love with this man,” I think about survivors everywhere who are feeling judged by their friends and family if they are struggling to leave their relationship.

My only concern with the song is the chorus. “But if it’s from you I don’t mind hurting, this in my perfect nightmare.” It is my hope that using this language doesn’t romanticize this sort of unhealthy relationship. But you all are wise readers. What do you think?

Sometimes we fight
Sometimes I cry
Why don't I
Just tell him goodbye
Sometimes I should
But sometimes I don't
Build up the strength to
Say that it's wrong
Sometimes I hate
Sometimes I love
Sometimes I hurt
Sometimes I don't
Sometimes I wait
For him to change
But it's okay
I've disguised the pain
And I don't ever wanna leave him alone
They say i'm brainwashed but i'm in love
With this man
Yeah

(chorus)
Keep telling myself that it's not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
So when will I wake up and scream
No way (x7)
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
Perfect nightmare

Sometimes I keep my cool
Sometimes I let him know
Sometimes I even pack my bags to walk out the door
Sometimes I feel safe
Sometimes I really don't
Sometimes I promise that i'm ready to let him go
But I don't ever wanna leave him alone
They say i'm brainwashed but i'm in love
With this man
Ohh ohhh

Hoping he's changing
But i'm scared he's not
Can't see a way to leave
Help me open my eyes

-Laura B.

“Reviving Ophelia” - Did Hollywood get it right?

I was pleasantly surprised watching the world premiere of the movie on Lifetime. I think that Hollywood glamorizes dating and domestic violence, or brushes it off as the status quo within relationships, but this movie was well done. “Reviving Ophelia” addressed all of the issues that surround teen dating violence including the warning signs of a potentially abusive partner; the different forms of abuse; the barriers that keep girls from leaving; the role a friend can play; and the counseling and legal component of dealing with teen dating violence. This movie covered all of the important points. Let’s break the movie down into The Good, The Bad, and The Ok

The Good
I think the warning signs were easy to spot. Did you catch them all? I liked how the storyline showed that an abusive relationship doesn’t always start out with physical violence. In “Reviving Ophelia,” the character, Mark was jealous, manipulative and controlling by telling Elizabeth what to wear. The movie also showed the difficulties that Elizabeth experienced with trying to break-up with Mark. The one barrier that stood out to me was that Mark showered her with apologies and gifts, and she believed him. What other types of abuse and barriers did you notice?

The Bad
While I thought that the movie was great overall, I did have problems with some of the plot points. Once Elizabeth’s parents were aware of the abuse and sent her to counseling, they rarely communicated with their daughter or the counselor. And realistically, we all know that it’s almost impossible for parents to make their children do something that they don’t want to do. I think that there should have been more information about the parents’ role in helping their teen out of an abusive relationship. Also, I thought the ending was horrible. I know…I know… it is a movie, and it has to have a happy ending. But the idea that Mark could be talked out of kidnapping, shooting and killing Elizabeth and him self by telling him that if he loved her he wouldn’t do it was ridiculous. I wish that escaping a dangerous, abusive relationship was that easy for all teens, but unfortunately we know that things like that only happen in the movies.

The OK
I liked that Kelly, Elizabeth’s cousin, knew that the relationship between Elizabeth and Mark wasn’t right and tried to help (as the intervening bystander). I thought that the idea of no one believing Kelly because she was the “troubled teen” in the family was a little over the top. I also thought that the story of Kelly’s behavior overshadowing her concern played well. But I believe that in reality, someone would have taken her concern more seriously before Elizabeth was punched in the face by Mark. What do you think?


So, what are your thoughts? Did you enjoy the movie as much as I did? What stood out for you? What did you learn? Post your comments below!

Exploitation on OUR sidewalks

08.16.2010

Last week I was at a busy intersection in Atlanta. On the sidewalk, I noticed that there were two teenage girls, probably no more than 14 years old, barefoot in bikinis jumping up and down to drum up business for their car wash. The car wash was being held at a local tire and rim shop and the people actually washing the cars was a group of men. My first thought was, how dare those grown men exploit these young women like this for cash. Don't they know how many people drive through here that don't need to see these girls in bikinis?

As I got closer I noticed something. The girls were smiling ear to ear, as happy as two teenagers could possibly be on a summer day in the city. And that's when it struck me. These girls actually want to be doing this. It meant attention, a distorted sense of power, and they might have actually thought that this was their choice.

You see, that's how sexual exploitation starts. The adult lures the young person with attention, security, false promises, and "love." The teen is led to believe that they are being taken care of and that their best interest is at stake. They often don't foresee the danger to come.

Did you know that the average age of entry into prostitution is 12 years old? That 80-90 percent of prostitution victims have been sexually abused? That every year more than 300,000 children become victims of sexual exploitation within the United States? These alarming statistics are from a chilling clip I came across about sexual exploitation of children. I encourage everyone to watch it and pass it along.