PADV's Teen Scene

“Can a person be that in love with a person that hurt them?”

2011-04-19T16:03:00.001-04:00

Nobody falls in love with an abuser. Things usually start off really well, so if any kind of abuse occurs, the victim usually believes that they can fix the relationship or fix the person and make things go back to the way they were. They believe that this is just a rough patch and that they just need to wait it out, and in time, things will go back to how they were in the beginning, when they were happy together.

For other people, it is hard for them to realize that they are in an abusive relationship. Those who don’t have a lot of dating experience or don’t have healthy couple role models believe that this is normal couple “stuff”.

Others believe in the glamour of love so much so that when the abusive dating partner hurts them and later apologizes, they believe that the apology is sincere, and they never see the abuse/apology scenario as cyclical. All the while, a pattern of violence is being established without the victim ever realizing it. In many cases, especially if the abusive partner is excessively charming and likable, even friends of the victim may encourage the victim to forgive the abuser. Many people are not fully aware of the abusive pattern and so encourage the victim to accept the apology and forget it ever happened.

So what do we do?

First learn about warning signs. Pay attention if your dating partner is very possessive or extremely jealous, gets angry quickly, is excessively charming, wants to get serious quickly, or starts isolating you from your friends and family.

Second, learn about the cycle of violence.

Third, get to know that person before you start dating seriously, because anyone can be on their best behavior for a few days.

And most importantly, listen to your gut instinct if it’s telling you something is wrong!

“Why do girls hit boys?”

2011-04-08T15:23:00.002-04:00

Some call it play-fighting, but playing this game can be tricky. First, we must recognize that there are a few unspoken rules to this game, like a)when we hit someone who is bigger/stronger than us, we expect them not to hit back because we are smaller/weaker; b)if they do hit back, then we expect them to hit back with equal force; and c)the game ends when we say “stop”. With so many rules and expectations to the play-fighting game, aren’t we opening the door to abuse and/or putting ourselves at the mercy of the other player? How thin is the line between “a game within a healthy relationship” and “going too far”?

It’s all fun and games in the beginning, but play-fighting can gradually lead to violence. It starts with playful hitting, then it moves on to hitting because he made a lame joke, and eventually you start hitting out of anger. Finding ways to express our feelings (including tension, frustration and anger) is part of being in a healthy relationship. In a loving relationship there is good communication and you should feel confident that your partner won’t hurt you.

We don’t always consider the possible repercussions upon ourselves when we play-fight. More importantly, we often assume that boys enjoy this behavior, when in reality they don’t and simply don’t know how to make us stop. We are trained to think that boys should be tough, and thus may think they can’t be physically hurt. We laugh it off, but over time the play-hitting game allows boys to lose respect for our boundaries and lower their opinions of us, which hurts the relationship and can result in unjustified labels (such as “psycho” or “aggressive”). Play-fighting is not the way to achieve gender equality, and is not the way to strengthen a relationship.

“Why do boys have a problem telling if they have been raped?”

2011-04-06T09:58:00.002-04:00

When was the first time you heard the words “boys don’t cry” or “man up”? What makes up a “strong man” is socially ingrained in us at a very early age, but gender roles can sometimes create stereotypes that are unfair and inaccurate. And what happens when we don’t live up to those expectations? Can those beliefs lead to frustration, anger, and even violence? The answer is yes.

Failure to communicate?We always talk about how boys can’t communicate their feelings, but is it really just a communication problem? Has it become more socially acceptable to have a teen boy act angry than to admit he is feeling scared or sad? If you are a friend of someone who has been sexually assaulted, don’t judge or blame them, but listen to their story, offer your unconditional support and encourage them to seek help.

Where is your safe place?Nobody ever believes it can happen to them, but 58% of rape victims report being raped between the ages of 12-24. If you’ve been sexually assaulted, it’s very important to find safety and call for help as soon as possible.
RAINN 1-800-656-4673.

Women's Empowerment

2011-04-05T09:23:00.002-04:00

So I know I always write critiques of my ladies P!nk, Lady Gaga, and Katy Perry, but truth be told, I dance it out to their songs just like everyone else. In typical pop fashion, these stars often have positive and unhealthy songs out at the same time. So today, I will graciously highlight the good ones.

I have noticed a theme lately. There has been an explosion of "love yourself" empowering songs on the airwaves. P!nk's "Make you feel perfect," Lady Gaga's "Born this way." and Katy Perry's "Firework," are all basically saying the same thing. Accept yourself, know you're awesome and unique, and celebrate diversity. And of course dancing your heart out is great for the soul too.

Teens, what do you think of these songs? Are you feeling the love too? Let us know if you would like to see more of these kinds of songs.

Forget you!

2011-03-31T11:51:00.001-04:00

I see you driving 'round town
With the girl I love and I'm like,
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough, I'm like,
Forget you!
And forget her too!
Said, if I was richer, I'd still be with ya
ha, oh ain't that some stuff?
ain't that some stuff?
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo

“Forget You”
Cee-Lo Green

Lately this song makes me laugh every time it comes on the radio. Heartbreak and betrayal, of course, are far from funny when we experience them- and many of us know this to be true from personal experience. Perhaps this is why the song is so wildly popular- many of us wish we had the guts to say “forget you!” to whoever has hurt us in the past.

The truth is, cheating and two-timing are forms of manipulation and folks, well, manipulation is one form of emotional abuse that can have some really painful consequences for the person on the receiving end. This is a perfect example of how in our society many forms of abuse aren’t even recognized as such. In fact, for many people, only physical abuse really qualifies as “domestic violence.”

What about you? Do you think cheating, lying to, and/or two-timing your partner are forms of abuse?

Alyse L.

A Response to Chris Brown

2011-03-29T10:53:00.003-04:00

Oh Chris Brown, please get some help. I doubt that there is anyone who missed the out burst that he had last week on ABC's Good Morning America. While being questioned by the reporter, he dodged all questions concerning his abuse of Rihanna and continued to try to redirect the conversation back to his new album. Afterwards he destroyed a dressing room at the ABC studios, busted a window over the streets of NYC, and scared everyone within a mile radius. Yet no one called the police. They called their own security. This means that even though he is still on probation for his attack on Rihanna two years ago, L.A. police can not even violate his probation. So despite his obvious lack of progress and accountability, he will suffer no consequences for his actions. And yes, the networks will still be featuring him on Dancing with the Stars and Saturday Night Live.

Check out this clip of J Smooth, telling Chris Brown how it is. If you feel the same, please comment, spread the word, and don't continue to support abusive stars.

Why do we have to suffer? Why can’t I reach out to anybody?

2011-03-17T10:17:00.001-04:00

This question come out of our audience at Spotlight on Teen Dating Violence: Upload Awareness. This person, perhaps a survivor of TDV, is experiencing a feeling that many other survivors feel. Isolation. One of the biggest tools that an abuser uses to control their partner is isolation. In the beginning of a relationship, the abusive partner may say that they want to spend all their time with you and want you all to themselves. The may say that your friends or family don’t like them and that it hurts when you spend time with those people. Eventually this may turn into major jealousy or saying they don’t trust you with other people. This may lead you to limit time with others just so you don’t have to deal with an argument. And finally, friends and family may slowly pull away and give up on trying to hang out with you because it always causes problems in your relationship or they just don’t understand the isolation you are experiencing.

So our point is this, be aware of these early warning signs and look out for them. If you feel like this describes your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out to PADV advocates who can help you at 404-873-1766. Friends and family, if someone you love is in a situation like this don’t give up or abandon them. Be patient, listen, and most of all don’t let the survivor become more isolated by losing you. Give them information and be supportive.

Are men and women equal?

2011-03-10T08:48:00.004-05:00

This short clip featuring Daniel Craig (aka Blue eyed James Bond) highlights the statistics and realities of being a man and a woman today. While there has been great progress over the last century in leveling the playing field for women, we still have lots of work to do. The closing line of this clip really stuck with me, "Until the answer is yes, we can never stop asking"

http://www.thedailybeast.com/galleries/1637/1/?redirectURL=http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2010-05-17/men-in-tights/

Can you block text messages?

2011-03-09T11:26:00.001-05:00

When you are trying to leave an abusive relationship, cutting off communication can be tough. Even if you know that you are ready to move on, those text messages from your ex might keep pulling you back in. After a bad fight or a break up, abusive partners often go into a phase of manipulation to try to get you back. The texts could be full of promises that he or she will change and reminders of the good times. However, there could also be threats and insults. Either way, it might be best for you to just cut off this line of communication altogether to save your sanity and keep you on the path towards moving on. Keep in mind though, that if things have gotten so bad that you have to get a temporary protection order against your ex, you may want to save all those texts as evidence. For tips on how to block text messages, check out the link below.

http://www.ehow.com/how_4454971_block-text-messages.html

Blackmailed with pics?

2011-03-01T09:13:00.002-05:00

What would be the best thing to do if he threatens to put up those dirty pics if I tell or break up with him?

As you saw in last weeks blog, sexting is a crime and really dangerous. But what can you do if it’s too late and your boyfriend/ girlfriend is threatening to put your pics out for the whole world to see if you break up with them? The best thing to do is tell an adult. If your partner has threatened you by using technology keep a record of the facebook posts or messages to protect yourself. You can also report it to the police. Check out this helpful site to find tips for teens and parents on dealing with sexting. http://www.safeteens.com/teen-sexting-tips/

Teens, do you have any advise for your peers who might be dealing with threats involving sexting?

Legal Dangers of Sexting

2011-03-01T09:12:00.000-05:00

“Teens shouldn’t Sext, it leads to lots of trouble.”

This comment came for some in the audience at Spotlight on Teen Dating Violence: Upload Awareness and PADV agrees! According to Ross and Pines, LLC, an Atlanta attorney group, “Sexting is the act of sending sexually explicit messages or photographs, primarily between mobile phones. Did you know that sexting is a crime!? According to Georgia state sex statutes were written before cell phones and the Internet. As a result, sexting fits under child pornography laws. Depending on the details of the case, a sexting offense could be prosecuted as either a misdemeanor or felony. For a felony conviction, the sentence could be a minimum of 5 years and a maximum of 20 years in prison, and a person's name would appear on Georgia's sex offender registry for at least 15 years.”

So teens, when it comes to sexting, its best to steer clear. Not only is it illegal, but those images can be used by a controlling partner or a bully to blackmail you. 3 in 10 young people have sent or received nude pictures of other young people on their cell or online. With the rapid nature of the internet you could end up on websites that you may never even see. Don’t be a statistic, keep the private pics private.

Bad track record?

2011-03-01T09:10:00.001-05:00

“Say you really like someone but you know he has a bad record with hitting girls and you’re blinded by love. Would you go for it?”

This question came out of the Spotlight on Teen Dating Violence: Upload Awareness summit audience but it seems like there are lots of people who have this question… or opinions at least. A few weeks ago on Q100 radio station, a woman (we will call her Judy) called in with this same concern. She had been with her fiancé for over 3 years and thus far their relationship had been peaceful. There were no red flags and as a child who witnessed her mom being abused, Judy felt like she knew what to look out for. She explained that during a recent game of truth or dare with friends the question “have the police ever been called to your house” came up. Her fiancé revealed that he had hit a previous girlfriend many years before and he was arrested. He basically laughed it off as a drunken argument that happened ages ago. But for Judy this was a deal breaker. She said she couldn’t look at him the same way and was considering calling off the engagement.

But in typical Q100 fashion several wannabe experts (listeners who really don’t know anything, but have lots of opinions) called in and said she couldn’t judge him for something that happened so long ago and that she should move forward with marrying him. All of callers said the same thing.

Every person has a right to listen to their intuition and have our own deal breakers and for Judy, this was it. No one, especially not your partner should minimize your feelings and concern about a history of abuse. Judy said that she felt like anyone who could do that doesn’t have the same values as her and she wouldn’t tolerate abuse of any kind. I agree with her and I hope that she listened to herself not the listeners of Q100.

But teens, what do you think? Can people change? Should we base our view of them on how they were in previous relationships?

Bruno Mars At His Best

2011-01-05T10:13:00.002-05:00

Since I ripped Bruno Mars for Grenade I wanted to give him the props that is due for his song “Just the way you are. Check out the clip below.

http://www.mtv.com/videos/bruno-mars/558837/just-the-way-you-are.jhtmlThis song celebrates the woman just as she is and promotes self-acceptance. Every time this plays I smile. Hope you will too.

What other songs do you guys know of that promote healthy relationships? Post here.

--Laura

2010-12-21T16:16:00.002-05:00

Even with the sound down on my television, I knew something horrible had happened when I saw a beautiful young woman on the screen and moments later her sinister looking boyfriend flashed upon it. I later discovered that this beautiful woman was in fact someone well known, fashion designer Sylvie Cachay. She and her former boyfriend Nick Brooks had just broken up after a 6 month relationship, but during that short time, acquaintances describe their relationship as “turbulent.” Brooks was unemployed, suspected of using drugs, and his father, Oscar winner Joseph Brooks, was previously accused of 82 counts of sexual abuse.

On Wednesday, the night before her death, neighbors report hearing them arguing and him stomping around while yelling “You really hurt me.” A fire even broke out in their room and the two were forced to leave her apartment. On Thursday, they checked in to Soho House, a popular celebrity hotel in Manhattan. At around 3 am, hotel dwellers reported leaking in the ceiling and authorities found Sylvie lying face down in an overflowing bathtub with strangulation marks on her neck, blood shot eyes, bite marks on her hand, and pills thrown around the scene. I am no investigator of course, but the cause of death seems clear.

Yet on the Today show, Brooks’ attorney said some things that ultimately compelled me to write about this sad story. When asked if his client was capable of committing this crime, he replied, “All sorts of things can happen between two loving people in an intimate partner relationship.” Jaw drop number one. Then the reporter asked, “People describe their relationship as turbulent.” The attorney shrugged and said “I don’t know any relationship that isn’t turbulent.” Jaw drop number two. I was shocked that someone could take this so lightly.

My heart goes out to Sylvie and her family and I hope that the criminal justice system sorts through this case with a fine toothed comb. Teens, what indicators and warning signs do you see in this case? As a friend or neighbor of Sylvie, what could you have done if you saw these warning signs?

-- Laura B.

Amber faces jail

2010-12-07T11:30:00.002-05:00

Oh reality TV! We have no doubt all heard by now that Amber Portwood on MTV’s Teen Mom is always in and out of trouble. Well now she faces criminal charges for battery against her child’s father Gary Shirley. She was seen hitting him multiple times and faces two felonies and a misdemeanor. I have seen interviews in the past where she has belittled him and verbally abused him, but this certainly took it to an escalated level.

For a more in depth article,click here.

What do you all think about guys getting abused by their female partners? Let’s weigh in on this not so often talked about form of intimate partner violence.

--Laura B.

Bruno Mars drops a bomb on the airwaves

2010-11-30T09:07:00.001-05:00

Bruno Mars has come out with another catchy song, but “Grenade” sounds more like a warzone than a song about relationships. I understand that break ups are tough and there is usually one person who feels slighted by their ex, but I don’t know that all these weapon references should be blasted out on the airwaves. With all the recent coverage on teen suicides, Mars might need to tone it down. The chorus is below:

I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won't do the same

Love does not equal being willing to commit suicide or be killed. What do you all think about these violent references?

--Laura B.

Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right When it Comes to DV

2010-11-17T13:01:00.005-05:00

Finally! Hollywood is holding celebrities accountable for their abusive behaviors.

By now, I’m sure we have all heard about Mel Gibson’s verbally abusive rant towards his ex-girl friend Oksana Grigorieva. In the recorded telephone conversation Gibson ripped into Grigorieva with such intensity that quite frankly, it was hard to listen to. There are also prior allegations of physical abuse perpetrated by Gibson and a temporary protective order was filed.

Fast forward to October 2010, in typical Hollywood fashion, this incident was beginning to fade from our minds. Gibson was slated to have a role in the highly anticipated "The Hangover 2," but after cast and crew expressed discontent with him being in the movie, Director Todd Phillips pulled him from the cast and replaced with Liam Neeson.

From the coverage I read online, Gibson was furious and didn’t see why "The Hangover" cast Mike Tyson but wouldn’t let him be in the movie. Two wrongs don’t make a right Mel.

In closing, I am just pleased to see that celebrities are holding one another accountable and not forgetting their bad behaviors so quickly. Perhaps Hollywood is finally seeing the connection between people’s bad behavior off screen and the hypocrisy of supporting them in the spotlight.

--Laura B.

There is Nothing Perfect about a "Perfect Nightmare"

2010-10-28T08:34:00.004-04:00

Another song about troubled relationships has graced the pop airways. Shontelle’s new hit single “Perfect Nightmare” is playing so much I am having dreams about it.

In this song, Shontelle describes the flood of emotions and uncertainty that are so common for survivors in abusive relationships. She waits for him to change, disguises her pain, and keeps telling herself she doesn’t deserve it. She even packs her bags to leave, but just can’t because she doesn’t want to leave him alone. As she sings, “They say I’m brainwashed but I’m in love with this man,” I think about survivors everywhere who are feeling judged by their friends and family if they are struggling to leave their relationship.

My only concern with the song is the chorus. “But if it’s from you I don’t mind hurting, this in my perfect nightmare.” It is my hope that using this language doesn’t romanticize this sort of unhealthy relationship. But you all are wise readers. What do you think?

Sometimes we fight
Sometimes I cry
Why don't I
Just tell him goodbye
Sometimes I should
But sometimes I don't
Build up the strength to
Say that it's wrong
Sometimes I hate
Sometimes I love
Sometimes I hurt
Sometimes I don't
Sometimes I wait
For him to change
But it's okay
I've disguised the pain
And I don't ever wanna leave him alone
They say i'm brainwashed but i'm in love
With this man
Yeah

(chorus)
Keep telling myself that it's not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
So when will I wake up and scream
No way (x7)
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare
Perfect nightmare

Sometimes I keep my cool
Sometimes I let him know
Sometimes I even pack my bags to walk out the door
Sometimes I feel safe
Sometimes I really don't
Sometimes I promise that i'm ready to let him go
But I don't ever wanna leave him alone
They say i'm brainwashed but i'm in love
With this man
Ohh ohhh

Hoping he's changing
But i'm scared he's not
Can't see a way to leave
Help me open my eyes

-Laura B.

“Reviving Ophelia” - Did Hollywood get it right?

2010-10-19T13:28:00.003-04:00

I was pleasantly surprised watching the world premiere of the movie on Lifetime. I think that Hollywood glamorizes dating and domestic violence, or brushes it off as the status quo within relationships, but this movie was well done. “Reviving Ophelia” addressed all of the issues that surround teen dating violence including the warning signs of a potentially abusive partner; the different forms of abuse; the barriers that keep girls from leaving; the role a friend can play; and the counseling and legal component of dealing with teen dating violence. This movie covered all of the important points. Let’s break the movie down into The Good, The Bad, and The Ok

The Good
I think the warning signs were easy to spot. Did you catch them all? I liked how the storyline showed that an abusive relationship doesn’t always start out with physical violence. In “Reviving Ophelia,” the character, Mark was jealous, manipulative and controlling by telling Elizabeth what to wear. The movie also showed the difficulties that Elizabeth experienced with trying to break-up with Mark. The one barrier that stood out to me was that Mark showered her with apologies and gifts, and she believed him. What other types of abuse and barriers did you notice?

The Bad
While I thought that the movie was great overall, I did have problems with some of the plot points. Once Elizabeth’s parents were aware of the abuse and sent her to counseling, they rarely communicated with their daughter or the counselor. And realistically, we all know that it’s almost impossible for parents to make their children do something that they don’t want to do. I think that there should have been more information about the parents’ role in helping their teen out of an abusive relationship. Also, I thought the ending was horrible. I know…I know… it is a movie, and it has to have a happy ending. But the idea that Mark could be talked out of kidnapping, shooting and killing Elizabeth and him self by telling him that if he loved her he wouldn’t do it was ridiculous. I wish that escaping a dangerous, abusive relationship was that easy for all teens, but unfortunately we know that things like that only happen in the movies.

The OK
I liked that Kelly, Elizabeth’s cousin, knew that the relationship between Elizabeth and Mark wasn’t right and tried to help (as the intervening bystander). I thought that the idea of no one believing Kelly because she was the “troubled teen” in the family was a little over the top. I also thought that the story of Kelly’s behavior overshadowing her concern played well. But I believe that in reality, someone would have taken her concern more seriously before Elizabeth was punched in the face by Mark. What do you think?

So, what are your thoughts? Did you enjoy the movie as much as I did? What stood out for you? What did you learn? Post your comments below!

Exploitation on OUR sidewalks

2010-08-16T11:36:00.003-04:00

08.16.2010

Last week I was at a busy intersection in Atlanta. On the sidewalk, I noticed that there were two teenage girls, probably no more than 14 years old, barefoot in bikinis jumping up and down to drum up business for their car wash. The car wash was being held at a local tire and rim shop and the people actually washing the cars was a group of men. My first thought was, how dare those grown men exploit these young women like this for cash. Don't they know how many people drive through here that don't need to see these girls in bikinis?

As I got closer I noticed something. The girls were smiling ear to ear, as happy as two teenagers could possibly be on a summer day in the city. And that's when it struck me. These girls actually want to be doing this. It meant attention, a distorted sense of power, and they might have actually thought that this was their choice.

You see, that's how sexual exploitation starts. The adult lures the young person with attention, security, false promises, and "love." The teen is led to believe that they are being taken care of and that their best interest is at stake. They often don't foresee the danger to come.

Did you know that the average age of entry into prostitution is 12 years old? That 80-90 percent of prostitution victims have been sexually abused? That every year more than 300,000 children become victims of sexual exploitation within the United States? These alarming statistics are from a chilling clip I came across about sexual exploitation of children. I encourage everyone to watch it and pass it along.

Tough Guise: society's expectations of male dominance

2010-07-27T14:46:00.003-04:00

07.27.2010

Thanks to Men Stopping Violence, our local heroes in anti-violence work with men, I came across this great video with Jackson Katz.

In this short clip he looks at how society’s expectations for guys set them up and encourage violence against women. In fact, he argues that guys are trapped by these societal norms too and can leave them feeling like they aren’t tough enough, strong enough, or in control.

But we all know from reading these blogs, that in a healthy relationship no one partner has control. That both people have equal say and are important in the relationship.

Teens, what are your thoughts on “the man box” that media and society have put guys in?

--Laura B.

"Killing Us Softly": Portraying women in the media

2010-07-08T11:37:00.002-04:00

07.07.2010

When I came across Jean Kilbourne’s video about the media’s portrayal of women, I was blown away - much like the tiny women in it would with a strong gust of wind. The video takes a critical look at images of women in the fashion industry, movies and magazines.

We are shrinking... literally! Our bodies are shrinking in size, our voices are softened and our bodies are being objectified and pulled apart for the purpose of selling products. Kilbourne urges us to look at the impact that this objectification of our bodies in the media has on our perception of ourselves and on the prevalence of violence against women. This epidemic doesn't only affect grown women, it also affects teen girls and even young girls before hitting puberty.

The media is killing us by encouraging us to kill ourselves with unhealthy eating and exercise habits. We need to let go of what we think we “should” look like and instead focus on just being healthy and happy.

Take a look at the video and share your thoughts on how the media is “Killing Us Softly.”

--Laura B.

Q & A: Can play-fighting lead to serious abuse?

2010-06-29T14:53:00.002-04:00

06.28.2010

On March 13, 2010, PADV Teen Scene sponsored our 1st annual Spotlight on Teen Dating Violence summit. We gathered some questions that we were unable to answer during the summit, so we are going to answer them here on our blog. Check back as we answer more questions.

Q: Do you think that two people in a relationship together that play fight could lead to serious abuse?

A: According to Wikipedia, “In humans, play fighting (sometimes called roughhousing or horse-playing) is an activity in which two or more people act as though they are in combat, but without actually meaning to harm their partners, nor dealing sufficient bodily harm to make the game unenjoyable.” However, when we are talking about play fighting where potential teen dating violence is concerned, we might want to look a little more closely. Are both people really okay with it? When does it go too far? Is there a safe word like, “Stop!" or, "Truce!” that both people will respect and listen to?

I think that acting out physically can often be a tool used by those that don’t know the power of verbal communication. Learning ways to express ourselves verbally and through written form is a much more effective way to show emotion and communicate with our partners. Therefore, if you or your partner play fight a lot it might mean you don’t have healthy communication. Also, physical aggressiveness is an indicator of violent tendencies.

And do we really want to wrestle with our partners? Wikipedia goes on to say, “Similar behavior is visible in other animals including cats, dogs, gorillas and kangaroos.” Since being in a relationship isn’t about combat or acting like kangaroos, I think we can move away from play fighting with our partners.

-- Laura B.

Lady Gaga's 'Telephone": Should you pick up?

2010-06-02T14:13:00.011-04:00

06.10.2010

I know in the past I have ripped Lady Gaga for her videos and lyrics. You can reference my previous blog on her video "Paparazzi" here. However, like the rest of the world, I too have joined the Lady Gaga fan wagon. I even heard on the radio that teens in Asia are using the phrase "oh my Lady Gaga," as a replacement for "oh my God." While this is obviously a stretch, it does speak volumes on the level of her worldwide popularity and exposure.

Despite the questionable content of her latest video, "Telephone" featuring Beyonce, there are some positive aspects in the song's lyrics. They send a message about having boundaries with your partner when it comes to technology. Even though we have phones that make us accessible at all times, it is still a person's right to have some time away from one's partner.

Whether you're at a school dance, studying for a test or hanging out with friends, you have a right to have a break from calling or texting from your partner. In a healthy relationship where there is trust, communication and mutual respect, "blowing up the phone" or calling all the time isn't acceptable. One line says, "You should've made some plans with me, you knew that I was free, and now you won't stop calling me, I'm kinda busy." Your point is taken Lady Gaga.

Teens, what do you think about teens in relationships needing access to each other. Do you feel like your partner should be accessible to all your calls and vice versa?

--Laura B.

Q & A: What should you do if someone rapes you?

2010-06-02T13:55:00.005-04:00

05.27.2010

On March 13, 2010, PADV Teen Scene sponsored our 1^st annual Spotlight on Teen Dating Violence summit. We gathered some questions that we were unable to answer during the summit, so we are going to answer them here on our blog. Check back as we answer more questions.

This week's blog was answered by Amarinthia Torres, Family Violence Intervention Program specialist and advocate for survivors of domestic violence, rape and sexual assault.

Q: What should you do if someone rapes you?

A: Sexual violence of any kind can be scary, traumatic and confusing. It takes a lot of courage and strength to come forward about someone pressuring or forcing you to have sex when you don't want to.

It can be really hard to know what to do when something like this happens. Do you tell someone and if so, who? What about the police? These questions are completely valid and normal. The truth is, you know yourself the best and only you can decide what is best for you. But, it can help to know what the options are. Here are some things that you might want to consider:

Tell a trusted friend. Dealing with the effects of something like rape can be difficult to handle alone. Sometimes it can help to have someone you trust to talk to who will just listen, support you and keep things between the two of you. However, if the idea of telling someone you know makes you feel embarrassed or uncomfortable, that's okay. Remember, PADV has a 24-hour crisis line that is anonymous, confidential and free. Call them at 404.873.1766 or 770.963.9799.
Tell your parents or another adult. This may not be an easy option for some teenagers. But, your parents can often help give you advice or make sure you are okay. And if not your parents, telling another trusted adult (like a school counselor, relative, coach or teacher) can help you deal with what has happened.
Seek medical attention. Because sexual violence involves sexual acts, there are some very real health concerns. Survivors may be exposed to injuries or pain, sexually transmitted infections and the risk of pregnancy. By going to the hospital, women's clinic or your doctor, you can receive help for these things. In addition to checking your health, medical attention is also important in the event that you want to file a report with the police, they can take medical evidence to help you press charges.
Make a report with the police. You have the option of reporting what happened to you to the police. Some survivors report the assault but others choose not to press charges or don't pursue a full investigation. Other times, survivors feel empowered by speaking with police about what happened and want to seek out justice by telling about the experience. There is no right or wrong answer here. It comes down to what's right for you.
Find healing and recovery. In the aftermath of an assault, it is important to take care of yourself and surround yourself with support. Some survivors write about what they are feeling in a journal or through spoken word, music or poetry. Some people may call a hotline to talk things out. Find what works for you to help deal with the trauma you've been through.

Remember, no matter what the situation, no matter what you did or didn't do, it's never okay to do something to another person's body without them saying it's okay. Your options matter and you have the right to decide for you what happens to your body and have that decision be respected at all times. Remember, you never lose that right, no matter what.

Q & A: How can you tell if a guy is being abused?

2010-05-07T09:40:00.007-04:00

05.05.2010

On March 13, 2010, PADV Teen Scene sponsored our 1^st annual Spotlight on Teen Dating Violence summit. We gathered some questions that we were unable to answer during the summit, so we are going to answer them here on our blog. Check back as we answer more questions.

Q: How can you tell if a guy is being abused?

A: Abuse for young men is the same as abuse for young women. The statistic states that 1 in 4 teens have experienced physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse from a dating partner. Usually, abusive young women are more verbally and emotionally abusive, but female abusers can also use physical and sexual violence. Abuse also occurs in same-sex relationships at the same rate, 1 in 4. The effects of the abuse on young men are the same as the affects of abuse on young women. Some red flags may include changes in appearance, mood swings, worrying about your dating partner’s thoughts and feelings, your dating partner always wanting to know where you are, becoming more isolated, not hanging out with friends, etc. If you think that you may be abused, seek help.

Q: How does he tell me that he’s being abused without feeling weak?

A: If males are being abused, they may not report for fear of the stigma of appearing “weak” to their friends, family or peers. Young men who are being abused can talk to a trusted adult, a male, that can make them feel safe disclosing without judgment. If young men do not feel comfortable talking to a man that they know, they can always call an anonymous hotline. Sometimes, teens run the hotline and they do not know the caller on the other end of the phone or the situation, so they are not judgmental. They are trained to listen, not to make you feel bad, and can give you resources. The National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline number is 1-866-331-9474. Males need to get help, too. Don’t be so afraid of what people will think. Seek help because no one deserves to be abused.

Sexting: It's a crime

2010-04-13T14:55:00.009-04:00

04.13.2010

If you have been reading our blog, you know my stance on sexting. If you don't check out our "Sex and technology" blog here. We've mentioned how sexting and teen dating violence are linked, but we haven't talked about the legal consequences of sexting. In the state of Georgia, sexting between minors (young people under the age of 18) is a crime.

Yes, a crime. At the very least, you could find yourself expelled from school if you send explicit pictures of yourself or others. At most, you could end up in jail.

In metro Atlanta, there have already been cases of teens charged with disciplinary action for sexting.

In Forsyth County, a seventh grader was suspended for 10 days for sending an explicit picture of herself to male students at her school.
Students at an Atlanta private school may have criminal charges brought against them for sexting in school. One student has been suspended and another withdrew from the school.
A Clayton County teen was put behind bars for sending an explicit photo of himself to a 16-year-old girl.

Check out this information from Lawyers.com about sexting and the law. Think of the consequences of sexting before you push send!

--Jil

The importance of safety planning

2010-03-25T08:44:00.006-04:00

03.26.2010

In the March 8 edition of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, the newspaper reported that a 19-year-old woman was killed by her 22-year-old live-in boyfriend before he turned the gun on himself. The article stated that the woman had moved out of the home the previous week. In talking with teens, I often hear, “if her man is abusing her, why not just leave?” One reason why women may stay in an abusive relationship is because it could be fatal for them to leave. Statistics show that women who leave an abusive relationship have a 75 percent greater risk of being killed by their partner. Because of this, it is so important to safety plan in order to make a safe transition from the relationship. A safety plan can include:

changing your work schedule or the location of your work,
taking different routes to and from home,
changing phone numbers and email addresses,
changing school schedules or transferring schools,
getting a Temporary Protective Order (TPO) placed on your abuser (if you are a teen under the age of 18, you have to have a parent or guardian obtain the TPO for you),
creating code words with your family and friends, so if you run into your abuser, you can safely let your family and friends know that you are in need of help without alarming your abuser, and
talking to others, particularly parents or other trusted adults, about the abuse.

By creating a safety plan, you increase your odds for leaving an abusive relationship safely. Click on the links below for safety plans designed specifically for teens and college students.

Teen Safety Plan

http://www.thesafespace.org/pdf/handout-safety-plan-workbook-teens.pdf

College Student Safety Plan

http://www.thesafespace.org/pdf/handout-safety-plan-workbook-college.pdf

International Women's Day

2010-03-09T12:30:00.003-05:00

03.09.2010

Yesterday was International Women's Day which celebrated women and encouraged us to take a moment and reflect on women's issues around the world. For us at PADV Teen Scene, we reflected on the work that we do, the amount of progress that we've made in our community and how far we have to go in reaching our goal of ending teen dating violence.

Last year, PADV presented a total of 67 Teen Dating Violence presentations to 2,939 participants. By giving these presentations at schools, churches and youth groups, we were able to provide the metro Atlanta community with more information about teen dating violence, how to recognize the warning signs in an abusive relationship and tools on establishing healthy dating relationships.

For our first annual Spotlight on Teen Dating Violence summit, we have more than 200 teens, parents, educators, youth leaders and community members coming out to Clark Atlanta University this Saturday. We were overwhelmed and overjoyed at the response from the community. In correlation with our summit, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution has an article promoting the event and sharing the stories of two survivors of teen dating violence; one of which will be sharing their story at the event.

While we are glad to see such great results, but we hope that next year we can reach out to even more teens, parents and youth leaders. If you live in metro Atlanta and are interested in benefiting from a teen dating violence presentation, call PADV at 404-870-9600. For more information, go to http://www.padv.org.

Stalking and dating violence

2010-02-12T09:54:00.008-05:00

02.12.2010

When I first heard the breaking story about a sword attack on Georgia Tech’s campus I thought, a sword fight? In 2010? But after reading the full story, I realized the seriousness of the incident and I saw many indicators that could be linked to stalking and dating violence.

Five months ago, Kshitij Shrotri, the alleged attacker, became enraged after seeing Samer Tawfik, the assault victim, dancing with a woman he liked at a campus dance. Despite the fact that the woman says that she doesn’t really know Shrotri on a personal level, people described him as having an obsession with her. The two had been corresponding over email and Shrotri moved out of state. But unfortunately, last week he returned and attacked Tawfik in his jealous rage.

We often talk about excessive jealousy as a big warning sign when it comes to dating violence. Even though the attacker wasn’t actually dating the woman, his jealousy and desire to control who she spent her time with was dangerous.

Check out the full story here.

Do you think there were warning signs that could have possibly prevented this violent attack?

Be an advocate this February

2010-02-03T08:33:00.005-05:00

02.03.2010

This February marks the first annual National Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month (TDVAM). Are you looking for ways to get involved and be an advocate this month? Here are a few ways for you to be an advocate and speak out against teen dating violence:

Acknowledge how often violence against women occurs in literature that you read for class. One example is To Kill a Mockingbird, which features a case about brutal rape. While we hope that you read the book (especially if it’s for a class assignment), we hope that you also bring to light the violence depicted in the book and explain to your classmates how this behavior is not okay.
Read blogs and websites that provide information about teen dating violence. A few websites that we recommend are www.loveisrespect.org, www.thatsnotcool.org and www.padv.org.
Advocate for an assembly at your school to talk about teen dating violence and building healthy relationships. Get some friends together and ask your teachers and school administrators how to make it happen!
Talk to a friend about teen dating violence. Since most teens may not go to a parent or teacher for help, let your friends know that they can talk to you about their relationship with their boyfriend or girlfriend.
Invite a speaker to speak at your class, youth group, team outing or study group. To schedule a speaker from PADV, call 404.870.9600.
Print out a resource list for teens and distribute it at school and in your community. Check out www.loveisnotabuse.com for some great resources.
Make a note of songs and music videos that depict violence against women. After making the list, don’t listen to songs that have bad messages or lyrics.
Write a letter thanking your Senate representative for their support of this year’s National Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month initiative. To learn who your Senate rep is, click here.
Encourage your parents or guardians to learn more about teen dating violence. Check out PADV’s website under the Teen Dating Violence section and click on “For Parents.”
Don’t watch TV shows that promote violence, especially violence against women. Some
Register and attend PADV’s Spotlight on Teen Dating Violence: What’s Your Role? To learn more about this summit, click here.

What are other ways that you can advocate for teen dating violence? Share your ideas here and with your friends, family and community!

Anger vs. Power & Control

2010-01-14T10:47:00.003-05:00

01.14.2010

Before I began working for PADV, I thought that domestic and dating violence was about one partner getting angry with the other and becoming physically violent with them. I often referenced my own upbringing with violence in the home, thinking that anger was the root cause of fighting between mom and dad. Dinner wasn’t ready on time, Dad had a bad day, my sibling and I were unruly; things that would make any father angry after a long, hard day at work. But as I began this line of work, I realized the thin line between being angry and expressing that anger, and controlling someone and expressing anger when that someone tries to break free from control.

A really good example of this occurred on an episode of my favorite new show, GLEE. On GLEE, the main character is a teacher named Will, whose wife, Terri, had been faking a pregnancy. Terri’s reason for faking the pregnancy was to “hold on” to Will because she felt that he was slipping away from her and would leave her and the marriage. When Will found out about the fake pregnancy, he was angry. He yelled, grabbed her wrist, snatched the fake baby bump off of her (it was held on by Velcro) and walked out. It was an intense scene, making people wonder if it could be seen as a form of domestic violence.

To see the episode where this scene occurs, click here.

What was your take about this scene? Do you think this is domestic violence?

Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi" music video

2009-12-30T10:39:00.006-05:00

12.30.2009

On a recent YouTube adventure, one music video lead me to another. Eventually all roads lead to Lady Gaga... as most radio stations do too. While I wasn't a fan of the song "Paparazzi" from the radio, the video really pushed me over the edge.

The video begins with Lady Gaga being thrown from a balcony by her boyfriend after she busted a bottle over his head. Moments before, he has her pinned on the ledge of the balcony, kissing her and saying, "do you trust me?" She responds, "of course." He progressively gets more forceful and it's clearly making her uncomfortable. She says "stop" several times but he persists, so eventually she smashes a bottle on his head. The rest is history...

Headlines then read "Lady Gaga hits rock bottom" and "Lady no more Gaga." It's clear that this marks the "end" of her fame.

Throughout the video there are images of dead women flashing in between dance breaks. Lying in a bathtub, on the stairs, in the grass, in the lobby, surrounded by a puddle of blood, stabbed, smothered, hanging from a rope. I lost count of how many nameless female victims lay strewn throughout Lady Gaga's video.

In the end, she successfully hunts down the boyfriend who hurt her and poisons him to death. She tells on herself for the crime and is a glorified celebrity all over again. Headlines this time read "She's Back" and "We love her again!"

I can't understand why so many female singers are choosing to have images of violence against women in their videos. The video reinforces the power of misogyny in our culture and encourages the idea that we can only end violence with more violence.

What do you all think?

"Gravity" by Sara Bareilles

2009-12-15T09:54:00.003-05:00

12.15.2009

I was listening to the radio and I came across the song Gravity by Sara Bareilles. Besides being a beautiful song, the lyrics really stood out to me. In talking with teens, I always hear the myth that if they experienced abuse, they would just leave and wouldn’t return. I find that most people don’t understand how difficult it is to leave an abusive partner and stay away. In the song Gravity, I think that Bareilles gives a haunting and heartbreaking depiction of how difficult it is to leave a bad relationship. Check out the song and lyrics in the video below.

Throughout the song, Bareilles talks about the difficulties that she has leaving the relationship, and once she does leave, staying away. She states how her partner “holds her without touch or chains,” and how she would love to bask in her partner’s love without feeling their rain. I think that this one line defines dating and domestic abuse relationships perfectly. In abusive relationships, the abused partner doesn’t necessarily want to leave the relationship; they just want the abuse to stop. And because their dating partner may not always be abusive, sometimes they feel the good times overshadow the bad.

The song continues on with Bareilles begging to be left alone, stating that she doesn’t “want to fall another moment into [their] gravity” and that she is getting stronger, but they keep trying to keep her down. She goes on, continuing to speak about the difficulties of leaving and staying away.

This song is kind of sad because the ending is never resolved. The song ends right where it began, with her stating that "something always brings me back to you." While it is sad, it really speaks to the difficulties that barriers create. What would you do if you were still in love with your abuser, if you had no one to turn to for help, if you partner threatened to kill you or them if you left, if you had no money, no job, or anywhere to go? These are just a few of the barriers to leaving; there are many, many more. Listen to the song and try to put yourself in the abused partner’s shoes. As a society we need to try to have some empathy and stop being so judgmental. Figure out ways to help a survivor of abuse instead of looking down on them for staying in a relationship that is not healthy, because leaving looks much easier when viewing it from the outside.

What are your thoughts? Do you like the song? How did it make you feel?

Survivor Spotlight: Johanna's story

2009-12-01T10:19:00.002-05:00

12.01.2009

In the wake of Rihanna speaking out publicly about the abuse she experienced, many other teen dating violence survivors are in the spotlight. On November 13, 2009, ABC's 20/20 featured teen dating violence survivor, Johanna Orozco. She shared a story of horrific violence and loss matched only by her strength and resilience. So much can be learned from Johanna and I encourage all of you to check out this clip.

Johanna lost both of her parents in one week due to unrelated tragedies which left her and her brother under the care of their grandparents. When Johanna was of dating age, she was asked out on a date by a childhood friend, Juan. After her grandparents blessing, the two began to date. Things were wonderful in the beginning; they were admired by their classmates and everyone wanted what Johanna and Juan had. But most people didn't know about the violence that went on behind closed doors.

Juan was extremely jealous and possessive and often questioned Johanna's relationships with friends and other guys at school. For Juan, it had to be his way and if not, he would physically abuse her. She was punched, bruised and pushed around and repeatedly threatened. When Johanna couldn't take it anymore she would break up with Juan, but he would never accept her choice. She said that she would stay in the relationship not because she wanted to, but because she scared of what might happen if she didn't.

One night, Juan came to her home and raped her at knife point. He threatened that if she told anyone he would kill her, whoever she told, and then burn her house down. Johanna was scared but revealed her secret to her teacher who called the police and placed Juan in a detention center. A few days later, Juan was released from the overcrowded detention center and placed on house arrest.

Johanna tried to move on and not live her life in fear of him. On March 5, 2007, a masked gun man approached her car window and shot her in the face with a sawed off shotgun and ran off. Miraculously, Johanna was rushed to a hospital by her neighbor and received emergency surgery. Her entire jaw, chin, and mouth were in shambles. When asked who had done this, it was no surprise that Juan was to blame.

Juan was sentenced to 27 years in prison. Even at his trial he said that he had "ruined his whole life,” proving that in the end, it was still about him and not about what he had done to Johanna.

Three years and nine surgeries later, Johanna is able to live a relatively normal life. Despite all odds, Johanna says that she feels like everything happened for a reason and chose to forgive Juan in order to move on. She still has the scars but is grateful to be alive and tell her story in hopes that it might save other teen lives. She is wise beyond her years and an unbelievable role model.

What do you think of Johanna's story? What lessons of strength can be learned by her experience? Please check out this clip to hear more of her story in her own words.

Rihanna on 20/20

2009-11-23T08:59:00.001-05:00

11.23.2009

Recently, Rihanna granted her first interview since the dating abuse she endured at the hands of then boyfriend, Chris Brown. In the interview, she gave insight to the good times of her relationship, the night that “changed everything,” why she went back, and where she is in her recovery right now. While there are many critics who wish that she hadn’t waited so long to tell her story, I thought that Rihanna’s interview was honest, insightful and empowering.

In the interview, Rihanna stated that she grew up in a violent home. She shared about the violence that she witnessed towards her mother at the hands of her father, saying “domestic violence is not something that you want some one to know [about],” and that she “always used to say [she would] never date someone like [her] dad. Never…” Statistics show that young women who grow up witnessing domestic violence are more likely to be abused by a significant other, just as young men who grow up witnessing domestic violence are more likely to be abusers.

Later, Rihanna shed light on the barriers to leaving her relationship and how she finally made the decision to leave. As soon as the bruises faded, she began to question if she caused the abuse and what she could have done differently to prevent it. Ultimately, the feelings that she felt for Brown enticed her to go back. We know that Rihanna’s plight is not unusual; 8 out of 10 girls who have been physically abused in their dating relationships continue to date their abuser.

While Rihanna correctly cited many barriers and facts about dating abuse, I felt some of what she said provided misinformation about teen dating violence. During the interview, Rihanna stated that the abuse she endured before the Grammys was the only incident that occurred. The person conducting the interview pointed out that although the abuse in February of 2009 was the most documented; there were previous reports of violence in the relationship. Rihanna dismissed those other reports of violence because they weren’t as severe as the last one.

As many dating violence survivors know, abuse isn’t always physical; one in four teens report verbal, emotional sexual or physical abuse in their relationship. By implying that the other incidences of domestic violence weren’t as “severe,” she gave mixed signals and suggested that the other forms of abuse are not as serious as physical abuse.

Overall, I thought that this was a great interview. While I feel that viewers got more insight about teen dating violence, this was also a wonderful step for Rihanna’s recovery. Because dating violence is so taboo, I applaud that she stepped into the spotlight to shed light on this epidemic. I believe that she is no longer a victim but a true survivor and advocate for the cause.

As she said at the end of her interview, “I am strong….this happened to me… I didn’t cause this… and I will tell any girl who is going through domestic violence …don’t react out of love because love is so blind”.

What are you thoughts about the interview?

Peace, Love, and Happiness, Jil

Sex and technology

2009-11-10T15:51:00.002-05:00

11.11.2009

I recently heard the song “LOL :).” It has a catchy beat but details how a female uses text messages, pictures, Twitter, and IMs in order to lure her man over to meet her for sex. The song made me think about the new phenomenon of “sexting” and how it relates to dating violence.

Many teens view “sexting” as a new way of flirting with someone. Some teens, both boys and girls, believe that if you like someone, you take a sexy photo of yourself and send it to them via text, IM or post that photo on Twitter, Facebook or MySpace. To some teens it’s harmless; a way to be intimate with someone without all of the consequences of actually engaging in sex. But, the perils of “sexting” go far beyond simple flirting. What happens when “sexting” and controlling behaviors mix?

“Sexting” is just one of the many types of technology abuse that is rapidly infiltrating teen relationships. What happens when technology is introduced into a relationship where one dating partner already has control over the other? There have been instances where the controlling partner demands that the abused partner send sexy pictures or text messages. There have been instances where one partner willingly sends pictures to the dating partner only to have the partner threaten to send them out or post them on the internet if the other partner doesn’t do as he or she is told.. There have been instances of pictures or messages being accidently sent to the wrong person and their dating partner, believing that it is intentional, seeks to punish their dating partner for what they believe to be an indiscretion. Imagine how it might feel to have your dating partner sending you unwanted, sexually explicit pictures of themselves thinking that it is what is appropriate for a dating relationship. In all of these examples, a seemingly innocent act turns into an act of violence.

Finally, I want you to think back on the text messages you have sent to your significant other or crush. See how open you are to let just anyone view your messages. What would happen if it was in the wrong hands? In what ways could those messages be interpreted?

In response to “sexting” and controlling behaviors in dating relationships, check out www.thatsnotcool.org. This Web site is dedicated to ending technology abuse among dating partners. The site addresses ending all types of technology abuse including “sexting,” texting harassment, constant messaging, and rumor spreading. If you are looking for ways to stop your partner from abusing you via technology, check out the site’s callout card section.

Chris Brown's video response

2009-07-23T14:46:00.004-04:00

07.23.2009

During a teen dating violence class I was presenting at this past weekend, the topic of Chris Brown and Rihanna came up. A few young men stated that they wish that everyone would just get over the whole thing; Chris Brown got punished and he will serve time by being on probation for five years, attend family violence classes, do hard labor, and stay a mandatory distance away from Rihanna. They asked me, why couldn’t I just let it go? I told them that I wouldn’t let it go because Chris Brown has never publicly apologized to Rihanna or his fans, nor has he admitted that he did anything wrong. The problem was that Chris Brown had never held himself accountable for, or publicly stated that, what occurred that night was wrong.

As if on cue, Chris Brown issued a video statement about the Rihanna altercation. He stated that he wanted to make an apology, that he was sincerely sorry, spoke about how he grew up in an abusive household, and stated that he has been seeking council from his mother and his spiritual leaders. In my opinion, it was very edited, very scripted, and just an “okay” statement in my book.

While I am no longer on my Chris Brown rampage, I feel as though he could have been more sincere in his apology. It felt to me as though he was reading his sentiments rather than feeling them. The tone of the message was all wrong for me. I wished he sounded more apologetic. I also felt that his apology was so edited that it made it seem even more unreal. As I was watching it, I actually saw the screen jump as though they edited one section to another; like the director took several takes of the “apology” and edited them together.

Beyond all of the movie magic that help to create the apology, I felt that Chris Brown could have gone further by holding other young men accountable, letting them know that dating violence is unacceptable and that no man should feel it is okay to abuse woman, even if they feel as though they were wronged. I feel as though Chris Brown should have stated that even after his court appointed violence intervention classes that he would work with a National organization dedicated to men stopping violence against women such as A Call To Men or local to Atlanta, Men Stopping Violence. I wish there would have been more. But I guess that real happy endings only happen on movie sets.

What are your thoughts? Were you satisfied with Chris Brown’s apology? Were you looking for more like me? Post your thoughts!

Peace, Love, and Happiness,

Jil

In the mix: music and portraying love

2009-07-16T14:17:00.002-04:00

07.16.2009

Many teens, both boys and girls, look to Hollywood for their role models. While the behavior of actors and actresses on T.V. and in movies may be especially easy to model because of the visual representation, less obvious but equally powerful is the impact that the behavior described in music has on today’s teens.

Love is a common theme in much of today’s music, and the language around the topic sends conflicting messages to both girls and boys about appropriate gender roles and behaviors in dating relationships. For girls, songs such as Rihanna’s “Rehab” and Leona Lewis’ “Bleeding Love” send the message that girls are supposed to be needy and clingy; as if they’re addicted to the boys they’re in relationships with. Rihanna actually sings about needing to go to rehab because her boyfriend is her “disease,” while Leona sings about how she is “cut open” and bleeding love but everyone around her thinks she is going crazy, much like a girl may be addicted to cutting herself to ease the pain of something that makes her upset. The language of addiction is further described in Leona’s song with lyrics such as “But nothing’s greater than the rush that comes with your embrace” and “I’ll be wearing these scars for everyone to see.”

On the other hand, female singers such as Beyonce and Kelly Clarkson describe independent, empowered women who don’t need men to be happy. Beyonce’s “Single Ladies (Put a ring on it)” is an upbeat song about a girl partying at a club after recently breaking up with her boyfriend. She warns her ex “If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it, don’t be mad once you see that he want it,” giving the impression that it’s easy for her to move on and find someone else who will treat her better. Similarly, Kelly’s Clarkson’s “Miss Independent” describes a girl who is only willing to fall for a man if she is truly in love, otherwise she is “Miss Independent, Miss self-sufficient, Miss keep your distance….Miss don’t let a man interfere.”

Boys are also sent conflicting messages about appropriate behavior in dating relationships, sometimes even by the same artist. For example, Usher’s “Love in the Club” is a song purely about his desire for sex, while his other song “Burn” is a more sensitive song about letting a relationship die out when it’s not right anymore, even though a part of him wants to stay with his girlfriend.

In a world of confusing messages such as those described in these lyrics, how are teens supposed to know how to act in relationships? Although it is common knowledge that musicians often don’t write the lyrics to their songs themselves, they need to be aware of the power of their words in the lives of the teens they affect, and maybe even refuse to sing songs that they think might be damaging to their listeners, despite the money they may get. Sometimes, one may notice a musician “growing up” in the lyrics they write, such as Alanis Morisette’s transition from an angry, broken-hearted teenager in the mid 90s to a more mature older woman today. At least in these instances, the message is clear (i.e. teenage years are hard, but things will get better). But especially in instances where a musician releases songs with different messages at the same time, (e.g. Usher), teens may feel confused about the proper way to act.

Love is a truly wonderful thing to experience when it is true, and love needs to be respected in the music we listen to.

P!nk "Please Don't Leave Me"

2009-06-25T11:19:00.003-04:00

06.25.09

-by Laura

As catchy as it may be, I can’t help but notice the alarming lyrics in Pink’s newest chart topping song “Please don’t leave me.” She sings about yelling at her partner, insulting him, threatening to kick him out, cutting him to pieces, and refers to him as her “perfect little punching bag”. These threats come along with praises and apologies like “you are so beautiful” and “I don’t mean it, please don’t leave me..” Throughout the song she also places the blame back on him; “What is it with you that makes me act like this” or justifying her actions with the fact that her heart is broken.

When there is dating violence in a relationship, there is often a cycle of abuse. I think this song is a perfect example of this cycle. One partner threatens (“I am capable of really anything”), then emotionally or physically hurts their partner (“How many times I’ve kicked you outta here.”), apologies and asked him or her to stay (“I need you, I’m sorry”). Then things are ok for awhile, but inevitably the cycle starts over again.

Unfortunately, the video is even worse. Throughout it, she progressively injures her boyfriend more and more severely. Its set up to seem funny, but after seeing this video I am not too proud of Pink.

I encourage you guys to really listen to what you are jamming out to on your ipods, because like I said, when that catchy beat comes on I got sucked in too! Check out the full lyrics below.

I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time I've kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?
Da da da, da da

I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
But my heart is broken
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty
Da da da, da da

Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it
I mean it, I promise
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me
Oh please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I cannot be without, you're my perfect little punching bag
And I need you, I'm sorry
Da da da, da da

Baby please don't leave me
(Da da da, da da)
No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me no no no

You say I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back
It's gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

Please don't leave me, oh no no no.
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me
Baby, please, please don't leave me
© EMI BLACKWOOD MUSIC INC.; PINK INSIDE PUBLISHING

Survivor Spotlight: Jenna's Story

2009-06-08T13:27:00.004-04:00

06.08.2009

This blog was written by a teen dating violence survivor. *Jenna's story shows that teen dating violence does not always have to involve hitting, slapping, pushing, or other types of physical abuse. It also shows how violent emotional and verbal abuse can be and the effects that those actions have on a survivor.

My relationship with *Michael started the summer before my sophomore year in high school. We were very happy to be together as we had both recently broken up with other people. For the first three months, we didn’t have any problems and things were great. However, as time went on I began to notice certain patterns of behavior that made me a little uncomfortable. He was very possessive and didn’t like me hanging out with other guys. He got upset when I went to my sophomore WinterFest dance with a friend instead of him, even though he couldn’t be there. We worked it out eventually but I felt guilty even though I had no reason to. At first I thought it was sweet that he got jealous when I went out with other guys, but this only lead to more intense jealousy later.

My senior year, Michael was a first year student in college. He couldn’t come down for Prom, but I told him that I really wanted to go. I told him I was going with a friend of mine *Jay and he reluctantly agreed that this was fine. Prom passed with no incident, and Jay and I had a lot of fun. Nothing about our night was romantic. Then a few months later, Michael came home. One night, he met Jay and I for dinner, and I noticed that Michael seemed cold and distant. Back at my house, Michael told me he was upset because I sat next to Jay and not him at dinner, and because I had a few sips of Jay’s water. He asked me if I had been cheating on him. I said no, but Michael didn’t believe me. Before I knew it he was yelling, and soon he walked out of my room, without his shoes, telling me that he would “walk home” but he lived about 30 minutes away. He left his car in my driveway and started running down the street. Jay and I got in the car to go find him. When we found him, he apologized, but the incident really shook me up. Still, I never told me parents about it, because they were both asleep when it happened, and I didn’t want to scare them unnecessarily because I thought the issue had been resolved.

Then a few weeks later, we were in the car going to visit one of Michael’s friends. We ended up getting into an argument about Jay again, and this time he got so angry at me for “lying” to him about dating Jay, that he sped up and almost hit a tree. I jumped out of the car thinking that he would, but he stopped just short of it. After he collected himself he apologized and said that we should just go in and have fun with his friend. I really didn’t want to hang out with him anymore that night, but I was too embarrassed to call my family or a friend to have them come pick me up, because I thought I would have to explain what happened. So I agreed to go with him.

In August I had to leave for college, and for a while I thought we could have a long distance relationship and I thought things would work out because there hadn't been any more fights or violent incidents. In September though, out of the blue, he called me and accused me again of cheating on him. I didn’t know how to respond because by this time I was so tired of him making false accusations that I just sat there in silence. He interpreted that to be an admission of guilt, and told me he hated me and never wanted to talk to me again. I tried calling him back to explain that it wasn’t true. He never picked up his phone again, and to this day I haven’t heard from him.

Going through the break up was hard on me, particularly because I later found out that Michael was dating someone else while we were dating, even though he accused me of cheating. Yet I knew that since there was no trust or respect, there could be no relationship. Eventually I saw that he did me a favor, and I did one for myself by moving on.

*The names have been changed to protect the survivor.

To snoop or not to snoop?

2009-05-07T10:12:00.002-04:00

05.07.09

-by Kayla

Miley Cyrus admitted that she goes through her boyfriend’s text messages while she was on The Tyra Show. Miley said that it’s her way of seeing if her boyfriends are nice to their mothers so that she can know if they will be nice to her. Whether Miley or her fans realize it, checking a partners text messages is a sign that there is a lack of trust in the relationship and that it’s never okay to snoop. Through simple interaction and conversations, the way that they treat their family and friends will be revealed so there is no need to snoop through text messages, MySpace comments, Facebook posts or e-mails.

I personally don’t know anyone who likes it if someone else goes through their purse, phone, Facebook, MySpace, etc. so you should treat people the way you want to be treated, especially in a dating relationship. And if there is a problem or concern, talk to your partner. Express your concerns, talk about possible solutions and come to a mutual agreement. Communication and respect are key components to any healthy relationship. Remember, it’s disrespectful to go through your partners’ property without their permission!

So just remember when a problem, concern or question arises, simply talk to your partner about it instead of snooping through their stuff!

-Kayla is an intern with PADV and attends Georgia State University.

Survivor Spotlight: Autumn's Story

2009-03-25T15:13:00.004-04:00

03.25.09

My name is Autumn* and I’m a survivor of teen dating violence. The summer after I turned seventeen, I was working for a restaurant where I relied on my friends for comfort in the midst of a though break-up form my first boyfriend. On person I really got to know was Alan*, who was also also going through a rough break-up. I soon found myself becoming interested in Alan and by the end of the summer we were officially a couple. The first few months were flawless. He often bought be presents and always complimented on how beautiful I was and how lucky he was to have me in his life.

For my 18th birthday my parents invited all of my closes friends for a surprise birthday party. One of my best friends, James, who I could always rely on, came. When everyone was leaving, I gave James a friendly hug goodbye. This upset Alan. Alan and I never displayed our affection in public because it makes me uncomfortable. But he was angry that I hugged James in public and not him, he thought I was being affectionate to James in public and over him. Later he apologized and said he was being brash, but said that we shouldn’t feel uncomfortable about being affectionate since everyone knew that we loved each other. I didn't know then, but this was the beginning of a long pattern of abuse.

As time rolled on, things did not improve in our relationship. There were happy moments, but the bad moments soon become more frequent and more disturbing. That spring, I was voted onto my school’s Prom Court. During the prom, the Court has to take pictures together, which meant that we would have to leave out dates behind for a short while. After the photo he got mad at me and said that he was upset that I left him all alone. I was not sure why he said he was all alone, because he knew all my friends and a lot of the people in my school. I just dismissed it, because I knew the night was overwhelming and he was probably tired from a day of working and a night of dancing. But this did not stop him bring it up in our nightly calls. He would say he had a horrible time at prom and say that I was going to abandon him.

Soon graduation came. I was excited and anxious about my new adventure at my new college in Atlanta. Alan’s feelings were contrary because my school was 500 miles away. He said that if I left him he was going to kill himself. I said didn’t want that to happen but I had already committed to the school and I asked if there was something else I could to. Alan decided that in order for me to “make it up to him”, I had to have sex. I told him that I did not want to have sex just yet because I was raped a few years before. Alan told me that it was okay, because we were going to get married, something we had been discussing. I kept on refusing. He started to use the Bible as a way to insist I have sex with him, by saying that we were “married” in his eyes. Eventually I “agreed” to have sex when he insinuated that if I did not have sex with him because he said that I was withholding something from him and he viewed me as his wife.

Alan and I continued to have sex despite my unhappiness about it, but later the abuse took a change. When we first started having sex, I insisted that he use a condom since I believed that we were too young to have children. As the sex continued, Alan insisted that we shouldn’t have to use a condom; not because it felt better but because if Got didn’t want people to have children, they didn’t have them. However, I secretly had started to go on birth control. When he found out, he angrily grabbed the pills and threw them across the room while yelling at me and then proceeded to pick them up and flush them down the toilet. It scared me so badly that I stopped taking the birth control.

When I went to college, I seriously thought about breaking up with him, but he drove 500 miles to give me a diamond promise ring and told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I accepted the ring thinking that this meant that things were going to get better and that he was trying to show me how much I meant to him.

I was wrong. He insisted that I call him everyday at 9:00. He would make me sing him to sleep every night, and if I complained about being tired, he said that it was because I was too busy becoming a lesbian with all my new female friends. I would hide under my bed when I talked to him, because I was ashamed of how I was acting. My friends would tell me constantly that he was not a good boyfriend and that I was becoming sleep deprived talking to him all night.

My sophomore year I decided to get more involved on campus. I joined a social networking group and got instant messenger. Alan insisted that I give him my screen name and my social network site to keep track of me and make sure I was not lying about my information. I never gave him my password, but he figured it out. I also found out that he got my credit card information and spent $800 to register to a website that allowed people to find sexual partners. When I confronted him about it, he said that he needed to be sexually satisfied since I was not doing it anymore. My credit has been ruined because of him.

That spring, I fully realized how unhappy I was with Alan in my life hurting me emotionally, spiritually, fiscally and sexually. One night after a rough fight on the phone, I told Alan that I thought that we needed to break up because we were not meant for each other. I told him that I was strong and independent and that I did not need him anymore and then hung up the phone. I felt relieved. I did not respond to any of his calls and when he tried to visit me at school, my friends helped me stay away from him. I changed all my contact information and left him out of my life. After the break up, I remember thinking, "now, I am free."

Today, I am a strong woman, a college graduate, and an advocate for preventing teen dating violence. Though I had a strong community around me, my relationship could have ended sooner if someone had told me about teen dating violence or if I had known about the resources available to me. I now work with different organizations to end teen dating violence and I work with girls from my hometown to tell them my story. I hope that no other girl goes through what I went through. Though I was never hit by my abuser, I was still abused. I write this story today to talk about the different manifestations of teen dating violence.

For a long time I thought it was too late for me. It’s never too late. Get help, find an advocate, and find peace.

If you or your friend need help, call PADV at 404-873-1766.

Death Cab for Cutie “I Will Possess Your Heart”

2009-02-24T09:53:00.001-05:00

2.24.2009

When I first heard this song all I really noticed was the soft voice and melodic sound. But between the lines I heard possessiveness and stalker behavior. Of course, as all of you know from reading our blog, these can be early warning signs of teen dating violence. See what you think:

How I wish you could see the potential
The potential of you and me
It’s like a book elegantly bound
But in language you can’t read just yet

(Chorus)
You got to spend some time, love
You got to spend some time with me
And I know that you’ll find love
I will possess your heart

There are days when outside your window
I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective
When we’ll be lovers, lovers at last

You reject my advances and desperate pleas
I won’t let you let me down so easily
So easily

The chorus really stands out to me. These words remind me of a line I was told once- “I’m gonna make you love me, yes I am, yes I am!” As someone who has always tried to “fix” things, I think it is easy to fall in the trap of thinking that we can make someone love us. But even if we talk someone into spending time with us it is never guaranteed that they will feel the same way. And sorry you guys, but we learn time and time again that no matter what we change or how wonderful we try to be, that ultimately it is up to your partner whether or not they to love you back.

The part about being outside the window and seeing your reflection takes the song to a creepy level in my opinion. It sounds like stalker behavior. And in the end, he acknowledges that she has rejected his advances and desperate please but continues to pursue her, it doesn’t sound like he understands or respects boundaries. By saying “I won’t let you let me down so easily” It once again shows that he really thinks he has control over her feelings towards him.

I encourage you to think about times in your life when you may have tried to force a relationship. I know in my experience, I was always met with disappointment. Now hopefully none of us have been as delusional as the guy in this song, but it is good to look at how possessiveness can really go too far.

What do you guys think about the song?

Technology and teen dating violence

2009-02-02T10:26:00.003-05:00

2.2.2009

Technology is a wonderful thing. It allows us to see pictures of our friends that live hundreds of miles away, it lets us talk to our friends without seeing them in person and it gives us better and faster ways to have all the information we could ever want at our fingertips. So many of us have cell phones, instant messaging, and MySpace and Facebook accounts that technology seems to be integrated into every aspect of our lives.

It also makes it easier for us to talk with our boyfriend or girlfriend. We can send them cute text messages, we can proudly display their name on our Facebook page when we say that we’re “in a relationship” and we can send them e-Cards for Valentine’s Day and anniversaries.

However, technology can also be a tool for dating abuse. Texting too much, pressuring you to share your account information and logins to go through your e-mails or Facebook accounts and calling when you’re out with your friends could be something more serious than you think. Cell phone calls, texting, instant messaging and e-mailing at an alarmingly high rate can be a sign that your partner is trying to gain control.

Did you know that nearly one in four teens in relationships communicate with their partner via cell phone or text messaging hourly between midnight and 5:00 a.m.? Imagine the toll that those long hours awake can have on your school work, your social life and your overall health! By staying up for those extra hours you will not only lose sleep, your grades could start slipping, you could get sick more often, you could become more anxious or worried and you could constantly feel tired or groggy.

It’s not only the constant communication that could be problematic; many boyfriends and girlfriends use technology to spread rumors or make their partner feel embarrassed or put down. One in four teens in a relationship say that they have been called names, harassed or put down by their partner through cell phone calls or text messages. Hearing harsh words and insults from a partner can be harmful no matter the circumstances; whether it be in person or via text message.

Are you worried that this is happening to you or a friend? If you’d like more information about teen dating abuse and how to get help, please go to our website at www.padv.org or call a teen dating violence helpline.

How dating violence affected me

2009-01-14T17:36:00.002-05:00

1.14.2009

I’d like to pose a question to everyone reading this blog: how has teen dating violence (TDV) affected you?

My name is Jil and I work for PADV as the teen prevention advocate. I talk with teens in their schools or community groups about building healthy relationships. I also warn teens about dating abuse and what to do in the event that teen dating violence is affecting them or their friends. Before I started working in this field, I didn’t know a lot about teen dating violence. I thought that it was something that only a few teens had to deal with. Looking back, teen dating violence was present in my life when I was younger. But I thought that the warning signs I saw were just a normal part of relationships during high school. At the time, I wasn’t looking for warning signs because I wasn’t really paying attention to the people around me and their relationships; especially if I didn’t know them really well.

Now than I know about teen dating violence and recognize how it was present in my life when I was a teen, I wish that I would have done something for those couples that were having shouting arguments in the hallway at school or the girl from gym class who showed some bruises that she got from her boyfriend. I could have even helped a friend of mine whose boyfriend slapped her and pushed her into lockers.

Dating violence doesn’t discriminate based on age, race, gender or sexual orientation. I wish that I had realized that more when I was a teen. Even though I was not in violent relationships as a teen, I should have been an advocate for those who were and told them that everyone deserves better than a relationship that is built on violence and abuse.

So, I’m wondering has teen dating violence has affected you? Has someone you know been abused by their dating partner? What can you do, or what have you done, to help?

If you’re ever looking for information about teen dating violence or other forms of abuse, check out our website.

Engaged & Underage from MTV

2008-12-30T12:51:00.005-05:00

12.30.2008

Engaged & Underage is a show on MTV that follows young couples (all 21 and under) preparing for their big walk down the aisle. Some couples have wonderful and strong relationships and see marriage as the next practical step of their relationship. But sometimes, the couples don't have a strong relationship that's rooted in trust, mutual support and honesty.

One example of a couple that does not have a healthy relationship is Jewel and Cory, a couple from Texas. You can watch scenes from their episode below.

Engaged & Underage - MTV Shows

During the introductory part of their episode, Jewel talks about how her fiancé Cory used to be a professional BMX biker, but that she made him quit once they were engaged. Do you think Cory should have to choose between doing what he loves, BMX, and the person that he thinks is "The One?"

In the first part of the episode, we watch Jewel and Cory at a family barbeque. Many of the people in their families say that Cory is “whipped”; he’ll do whatever Jewel says with no questions asked. Cory felt that Jewel was instigating these perceptions by saying that Cory did whatever she asked. How do you think that Jewel could have been more supportive of Cory? What should she have done differently?

All throughout the episode, Jewel is constantly nagging Cory about completing one of two things; their house (which they plan to move into after the wedding) and a bridge that she wants installed for her wedding day. These tasks are often unrealistic and obviously tedious because Cory has a hard time completing them. He even takes time away from his family dinner to try to explain to Jewel that he can’t possibly get everything done and prepare for their wedding. Other than feeling frustrated, how do you think Cory feels?

Even though we’ve already said that we think their relationship is rocky, what do you think?

Heidi and Spencer from The Hills

2008-11-26T09:58:00.002-05:00

11.26.2008

Heidi and Spencer's relationship really bothers me because it seems as though no one realizes how abusive Spencer is. Not that he's physically abusive towards Heidi, but dating violence is about more than that. In watching Heidi and Spencer's relationhip on “The Hills,” there are several warning signs that show that Spencer is abusive:

He isolates her from her friends and family- a hint to an abusive guy is he tries to isolate you from your closest friends and family so that you have no one else to turn to once the abuse starts. Spencer has completely alienated her from her family, making Heidi distrust her family's concern about her relationship, calling her family members names (“stalker-mom”; Heidi's sister as the “mooch of the century”), and manipulating situations to make Heidi hurt her family members (Heidi's mom crying and Heidi kicking her sister out of the apartment she shares with Spencer).

He is jealous of Heidi's relationships with others- another warning sign of an abusive partner is that they are jealous of other friendships. Spencer wants Heidi to only spend time with those people that he feels are “loyal”, and if Heidi doesn't agree, he threatens to break up with her, cheat, or move out of their apartment. The relationship that Heidi wants to work on the most is with Lauren, her former roommate who doesn't like Spencer. Spencer tries to say that Lauren wants Heidi all to herself, but it seems that he is the one that wants that, not Lauren.

Spencer is controlling- Spencer has never really shown Heidi much respect; Her opinions are not supported, her job is not seen as important, and she is not allowed to choose who her friends are. Heidi seems to always be walking on egg shells around Spencer because she never knows what type of mood Spencer is going to be in. He is always giving annoyed looks, and being passive-aggressive in his words and actions. What Spencer wants, Spencer gets -and it doesn't matter what he has to do or who he has to hurt to get it, including Heidi.

Many people have said that Heidi is changing and having to compromise a lot for her relationship. Spencer has already shown signs of dating violence; he is controlling, manipulative, and extremely selfish. However, since the last aired episode of “The Hills,” Spencer and Heidi are now married. It is my hope that their relationship improves and that Spencer can change his abusive ways because Heidi deserves much more, everyone in abusive relationships does.